A Heartwarming Masterpiece of Unbeknownst Genius (Oh the Modesty!)

Hello! Twist and shout! How nice it is to see all your bright faces once more! Riddle me this: What are two things that you thought you would never see intertwined to make one beautiful masterpiece? I bet I can guess.
Me flying a remote-controlled helicopter and the first 98 seconds of Andrea Bocelli's "Time to Say Goodbye"
I present to you good people, an unprecedented look at what that would be like...



Why doth I use my iPhone for this? How moronic of me.

That Dastardly Bunny

Hello! Have seen you in awhile, have I? Nope, I don't think so. So hello my friends, I hope thou art well. This just in: It's Christmas eve! A Christmas story to follow shortly...

So Santa's best friend, the Easter bunny, who's real name is Jack, was having a rough year. His wife of 516 years, the tooth fairy decided that she wasn't that into rabbit's with chicken fetishes, so she up and left, his Costco supply of eggs had finally run out, and he had a falling out with the chocolate God and was frantically searching for a new beloved sweet. Santa wanted to cheer his oldest of friends up so he decided to let ol' Jack take over his holiday. Feeling elated for the fist time since Jesus had his comeback, Jack came to the workshop and started telling all the elves not to make toys anymore, "That nonsense is overrated." he said, "from now on, you shall all be taking any egg-like thing you can find and coloring it like madmen." With Santa on vacay, the helpless elves were forced to do the monotonous and un-merry task. Come Christmas eve, the furry bastard had replaced the reindeer with chickens and painted the sleigh bright purple. He hoped in it and took off. Every damn house he flew over, he would just drop a few of his ill colored eggs and be done with it.
On Christmas morning, when thousands of cheery families awoke to greet the joyous day, they all discovered that their houses had been egged!
And so I say to you: never trust a guy who eats to much chocolate.

9 Cringe Worthy Facebook Statuses

Here are some of the most common and certainly most annoying Facebook statuses you have, and will encounter:

1. Noun and <3 (Oli Apstein is movies <333)

First of all, no one cares. Second, why the extra 3's? Is it some kind of freaky mutant heart? What's with the fucked up fragmenting? Why can't you just say "I *less than 3* movies?

2. Excessive letters (Oli Apstein is my friendsss are so awesomeeeeee)

Shut up. Anyone who tolerates that is most likely not an awesome friend.

3. Acronyms (Oli Apstein is OMG watching the grinch stole christmas LOL LOL)

This, is my ultimate dislike in humanity. High up there with the despicable likes of "legit" and "epic fail". Are you really laughing out loud? No. You aren't. You are just being an idiot. 

4. Vague inside jokes (Oli Apstein is that party was like totally fish sticks lol Sarah and Kevin)

Sarah and Kevin are the only people in the entire universe who even remotely care. Why speak this publicly to about 500 people. They're annoyed, curious, and they think you're a tool.

5. Quotes among friends. (Oli Apstein is "Is that a tiny cake?" - me. "No, that's definitely a cupcake" - Kevin)

Even when I take the time to read these I find myself disliking the person more and more.

6. Song lyrics (Oli Apstein is "I'm Made of bones of the branches The boughs and the brow-beating light")

You probably don't even know what this means and just want people to think you are deep. And to those people who post numerous different stanzas, I find myself wanting to find the song writer just so I can befriend him/her and eventually have him/her comment on the status saying it means something totally different then what this person thought it did. Who's with me?

7. Improper Grammar. (Oli Apstein is Oh my god Bob your so cool that you went to there party.)

Beofre you go and boldy state something to all of your "friends" make sure that you are able to tell the difference between a contraction and a possessive. Go to a library, find a dictionary, and look up there, their, and they're. Then come back and tell us "What's on your mind?".

8. Ungodly Spelling errors. (Oli Apstein is Skool was so hard today, hope tomarrows beter.)

Get a life.

9. Abbreviating to save time I assume. (Oli Apstein is 2day was sch a gd day. I luv life.)

The worst one of this category is when these horrible, horrible people say "wait" as "wate." That's the exact same amount of letters. You should not be allowed to be around any sort of writing or scribing tool.

That is all. I have never had so many red squiggles.

A World of Wonders!

What a wonderful day it is to talk to you! What are all the ways I could express excitement? Let's see...
Yay! (This is the general, overused way of expressing such a profound emotion. How about let's all do society one big favor and every time one of you crazy cats out there are planning on saying this trite bastard, use an alternative. I thank you. We all thank you.)
Hooray! (Another one of those stale worn out ones but still slightly better than that bastard yay. If you are as gracious enough to try and go about replacing yay and after countless hours of racking your brain you find no creative substitute, I will accept the usage of hooray. You're very much welcome.)
Yippee! (Now this one I like. Especially if the word "Skippee" follows it. If you do that, I might possibly consider carrying out a friendship with you... Maybe.)
Woohoo! (Now that's what I call some genuine thrill. All you nogoodniks could learn a goddamn lesson from this guy. Yay cowers in this brilliant man's presence.)
Oh joy! (This is the only specimen so far that expresses any bona fide emotion. All the rest of these sardonic bastards are so remarkably vague. This one has actual joy. Those others can all go revel in their snarky little exciting dwellings.)
Jiminy-Cricket! (This one deserves almighty praise.)
Oh lordy! (This one is particularly enjoyable in a highly over the top southern accent.)
Wowzers! (Oh my I heart thee.)
Peeya! (In proper uses this should be written in all caps and only when one is absolutely shaking with excitement or fury. Kudos peeya.)

Now that was fun, eh?

Child, Please!

And now, I present to you... personification...
So one day Muffin met Pancake and Pancake said in all his witty suaveness "Hey Muffin, nice top!" and Muffin in all his arrogant annoyance responded "Hey Flapjack, don't you have butter to be under or something?" Pancake scoffs. Muffin rolls his eyes.
Salt meets Pepper. "Hey so Pepper, apparently people think we're like totally married or whatever." "I know, OMG it's like totally lame." "I know, right? So like ya wanna go out or whatever?" "Yeah that sounds pretty epic."
Light and Dark were best friends, as you would assume. But unbeknownst to Dark, Light was harboring a strong, secret love for Dark's wife to be, Black. Unbeknownst to all, Black was stuck in a loveless relationship with Dark and was having a passionate affair with White. White was secretly pining after Light. Dark just realized that he's incapable of love.
Someone should call Jerry Springer!

This picture represents two things: Those funky fresh fools Salt and Pepper. And those adulterating bastards White, Black, Light, and Dark.

I'm gonna go beat box my way into Hogwarts!

Man and Squirrel: The Duel of All Duels

Hello and a merry time to all! I have been procrastinating finding a subject for some time now so I think I'll just dive right into it and maybe something (hopefully) will come up.
A man crosses the street into a park.
He spots a nefarious looking squirrel.
The squirrel stares back at him.
A staring duel to death ensues.
7 weeks pass and the squirrel isn't remotely showing signs of forfeiting.
The man curses the animal kingdom. More specifically the rodent family.
A nut-vender passes by the squirrel. His determination over powers his nutty instincts.
A box of Thin Mints drops right next to the man. His need to defeat the squirrely little bastard overpowers his chocolatey instincts.
The man flinches.
The squirrel does not.
A volcano forms and erupts next to them.
The squirrel burns to a crisp.
The man wins by default.
Riddle me this: How come the molten hot lava did not destroy the lowly man?!?
The answer after these messages!
"No-Hair Gel! Ever get so annoyed and fed up with those luscious locks of yours? Is your cushy hair stopping yo from breaking those walls with your head? I bet it is! I've got the solution for you! No-hair gel! Just apply like shampoo and voila! All that infuriating mane will go sayonara sucker!"
And we're back! The answer to the tantalizing riddle is.... The guy has a suit that repels fire! Neato!  

An Average Day

Help! There's a monster behind me! How terrible, am I right? I feel like writing a story based off of a random drawing today! I typed "Beautiful drawing" into Google images and found this breath taker. I wonder what kind of story shall come of this.
(I started out writing this with a lot of gusto but sort of lost interest in the end. What a pity.)

The small town of Wantana Hills' welcome sign had boldly stated "Wantana Hills: What Excitement There is in Calm" since the late 1800's. Local teen Tom Orica thought that was a nice way of saying "Wantana Hills: Boring As All Fuck". Little did the precocious youngster know, he would be the one to put a stop to all that. He began his day in its usual boring way. He got out of his boring bed. He ate his boring cereal. He went off to boring school. Upon arriving at school, he was not greeted by a loud, 26 man orchestra, he was not brought to school by riding on the back of a Giraffe, and he was greeted only by the standard "HelloHowDoYouDoToday?"

After school, he walked home the same route he walked every day, for years and years. When he reached the point where he had to cross the street, he did so. Upon crossing the street, a massive truck started hurtling towards him, faster, faster. It did not seem to care that he was standing in its way, it charged at him with some kind of fury. There was no time for Tom to react in any way. He closed his eyes, happy to go in such an exiting manner. But then, a crash. He opened his eyes. A transparent bubble had formed around him and the gargantuan truck was on the side of the road, looking defeated.

Had Tom created this?

If so, how?

Would this finally bring an end to the doldrums of his life?

!?

Gather all, gather none, gather some.

Here I go, doing something...

What's your favorite punctuation? After much, much consideration I would have to say mine is the exclamation point, or mark. Here it is: !

Some examples of it's usage.

The old man exclaimed, "I once had an affair with Marilyn Monroe!"

His grandson responds, "Gee Paps, you sure are a jokester!"(Sad part is the old bastard ain't kidding! Budom-cha!)

Here are a few examples of my second favorite punctuation, the question mark. (?)

After over hearing his parent discussing something, a small child asks his teacher "Teacher, what does ill-i-jit-a--ment mean?"

Also, a fat man asks his slightly lopsided nosed doctor "Sugar's that good thing, right?"

More In the Future!

It starts with a word. The, for example. Then some more words: Dog and cat. Then a few more: Fell into a forbidden love. Then comes the story.
That was today's lesson in higher learning.
Bottle caps! How do you like dem apples?

A-yada-yada-yada

Hello my valiant friends! What's the big to-do today? Everything you say! Well tally-ho! I say Go Go Go! And a merry time it will show! Merry! It's almost Christmas! Did you bring your top hats and white gloves? Everyone else did. You should go get yours. They miss you. I miss you. The world misses you. How come when I say that THEY miss you or I miss you it's just miss? But if the whole DAMN WORLD feels longing for you it's missES? Why the extra es? Es es es! The mystery of life! 542 is the sum divided by the average of the amount of elves in Scotland reduced by 3 and multiplied by 789. If somebody's favorite word was soul and then some other person's favorite word was mate, would they be a match made in heaven? I think so. Do you think? So? Yeah. I bet.

So anyway goodbye!

Z. Smith: The Survivor Diaries

I want to write a story! Here's a prompt I have conjured!

- After the doomsday, you are the very last survivor. - Let's get cracka-lackin!

Professor Doctor Z. Smith, diary entry number 937.

It has been exactly six years to the day since the giant lollipop monsters invaded my land and destroyed my civilization. There is still no signs of any other living thing alive besides me and my trusty falcon, Zacharias. He has contracted a rare form of Geoplatosynapsis. A disease that shrinks your body slowly until you are so small that you basically aren't alive. He is only an inch wide and tall. I call him BIg now for ironic effect. I still am absolutely terrified every time I see some sort of colorful swirl. Zacharias says hi ya'll. The other day I was taking a stroll along the boardwalk and suddenly I had a flashback: Two giant green and yellow circles on massive sticks standing above me laughing their maniacal, sugar high laugh. Then the flashback fades. A single tear rolls down my face. I go to the local supermarket and burn every last candy just to spite those diabetes causing bastards. The scent of burnt sugar won't leave my senses all day. I long in the feeling of revenge. Sometimes when I'm lonely I watch the Goofy Movie on repeat for hours on end. It let's me forget my candy-stricken troubles.I also watch the food network all day and yell at screen whenever candy is on. I watch Oprah most days. I also have watched every episode of General Hospital.

Goodbye for now diary.

For the Parallels of Fondness

Well well well. We meet again. Scoundrel! Rapscallion! Those seemed like appropriate words to shout at this time. You should all take some time to be grateful for the fact that I do this blog thing every day, because I'm a really important person. I mean, have you seen me? I know it's hard to look sometimes, and you may be forced to shield your eyes, but glory has to be soaked in sometimes. I'm just so goddamn beautiful. It's like someone sculpted me out of ivory. Maybe it was that Pygmalion guy. Enough with the narcissism, lets get down to brass tacks. Oh, you didn't bring any? Well that's quite alright! I've got plenty to spare. One word I would use to describe myself is... majestic. Yeah, that's the one. Take a good, hard look at me. Majestic, no? Once, a gal on the street told me I was like nothing she'd ever seen. Way to go and make a man feel great chiquita banana! You know what my favorite movie of all time is? Napoleon Dynamite. Wow there are some scenes in that shit that I just can't help but be obsessed with. It makes me want to fly over a rainbow and travel to Candyland. And it fills my tummy with gumdrops. Just thinking about it made me feel like lying in a bed of flowers. Oh flowers, sweet flikas. How I love thee and thy sweeteth odors. I wimper as I watch you wither and brown. Oh me oh my, how the time goes by. How clever am I with this rhyming shit? Does the word 'fondle' originate from 'fondness'? Just curious. Raise your hand if your favorite character from Star Trek is Bones! Mine too! You know who I just absolutely completely j'adore?! Miley Cyrus. What a gem. Oh Miles, you silly girl. Alright y'all, time to go spend some time in front of a mirror. *Me time!* Muah!

Marmoset, There'll Be Days Like This. There'll Be Days Like This My Marmoset

PEBBLES! Tiny rocks that are tiny that rule the world. They always trip you. They are small. They can be many colors. They are mini. They can be found in a variety of places. They are miniscule. They are smaller versions of rocks. They are petit. They are a treasure's treasure. They are compact. They give great massages. They tower over dust. They make magic candles work. They are pocket sized. They can make water into wine. They are half pint. They make me feel welcomed when I come over for dinner. They are un-gargantuan. They can make the most bitter people smile the warmest. They are wee. They are the cure for loneliness. They are bijou. They are the love that you live for. They are puny. They are the miracle life and afterlife. They are undersized. They are your go-to guy. They are pygmy. They are the makers of rainbows. They are miniature. They are your soul-guider and misguider. They are little. They make Giraffes cry when no one else can. They are the opposite of big. They are a hoot and a half. They are the thing that is not huge. They are a baker's dozen. They are an ant's equal. They are the most loving creature. They are like so totally not large. They are such a card. They are teeny. They are a real mensch. They are humble in a size kind of way. They are life. They are as tall as something not tall. They are love.

A Story From Awhile Back

Hello world! I was just perusing though my documents and I have this little story I wrote awhile ago that I would like to share with you now...

10753 Siber Avenue is a place that always seems to be in need of redecorating. It is also a place that I unfortunately call home. When I was 10 my Aunt decided that it was time for a change, she was like that, if something started to feel comfortable, or at all routine, it was in need of a swift and orderly change. So when we had been living in a small village by the name of Roterie just a little over a month, she decided, as she always did after 30 days or so, we needed a move. Swift and orderly. She found the town of Transit in a newspaper ad for an apartment to rent on the Tuesday of our third week in Roterie. Transit was quite the parallel to the village of Roterie. Unlike the quaint warm woods and cabins, Transit was a never sleeping, hustle and bustle filled metropolis riddled with skyscrapers and questionable character. One day, when the conformity was reaching a breaking point for her, she up and called the contact number listed in the newspaper clipping. The receiver of the call picked up after eight long rings, this annoyed my Aunt to no end. “This better be fucking important!” anxiously answered the landlord. “Excuse Me?”, my mother said in her annoying fake phone voice. “Oh sorry lady, the neighbor kids have been harassing me all fucking day with nonsense phony phone calls!” My Aunt, once again in that obnoxious tone said “No need to worry, I have a boy of my own, I know how rowdy children can be.” Two things about this were extremely irritating to me, for one, she did not “have” me, her sister did. She was always trying to take credit where credit was not due. Second, she uses words that a fifties housewife would use, like “rowdy”. My Aunt was not born in the twenties and had never even fathomed the thought of marriage. “I’m calling about the apartment, can we move in right away?”

An Open Letter to Two Sons of Bitches

Dear Oatmeal,

What do you think you're doing? Stick to what you know, don't go getting all cocky and suddenly decide to jump out of your bowl of hot water and force yourself into my cookie. You don't belong there. You belong sitting lowly and ashamed in your little bowl of water, if you're lucky you might even have some cinnamon on top of you but that's all. I know you've been saying for years that that bastard Chocolate doesn't deserve to be the cookie guy but you know what? He does. You don't. You are dry and tasteless and he is vibrant and delicious. Back off. And don't you talk to me about prejudice. We all know that there hasn't been equal rights in the cookie toppings since at least 54'. You suck.

Dear the letter Y,

What's your deal? How long have you been keeping this fucking title of "sometimes"? And actually, if I think about there aren't even that many words that you're the only vowel. The only one I can think of is fry and even you know that that's a stupid word. A hates you y'know? He thinks you're lazy. Even your wife U knows that you're sleeping around with G. She's gonna leave you for E any day now. At least he's ballsy enough to stick around. He's an all-times vowel. You still owe I money and he knows you're not gonna pay it back. He's gonna send his lackeys L and M after you if you don't give him his money by Friday. Y'know O? Your best friend? He thinks you're a huge tool. I don't know if you've checked recently but Z is listed as his top friend on Facebook. Not you. Do us all a favor and go become a consonant. Oh wait... They all hate you there too. You could try joining those dicks, the numbers.

The Wind in the Dead of the Night

Herro my darlingz. You likey some soda? My sunglasses fold in forths, I think thats rice. Do you think they make blue baseballs? Blue turns me on. It gives me good vibrations. GOOD VIBRATIONS! Okay so, this leather needs to be dusted. Wait is it neoprene? I am a size 12 shoe. Are you just saying things without permission? Why yes, I am. You're so naughty! Don't say We Like Sportz, I hate that, but my name is Phillip. The outlets are gonna git you, ahhh! I don't know why they're so scary and serpent-like. No I don't wanna call you when I can! Pokemonz rulez. I'd have to consult my binder in order to choose my fave, but Peeky and Squirty are pretty fucking seck. Seck betch. Whoa, check out Tio Miguel, he's a hawdee with a bawdee. Say that, but with a southern inflection. Y'all. I'm Cho Chang y'all! I STILL have to pee. I like this blue better than this blue, what do you suppose their babies look like? Wood nymphs? What about the nymph story? She gave us one. What was your definition? Well, there are many dif kinds of nymphs. Personally, I'm a nymph in the sky. Reaper Madness! Oooooh yeaaaah! Dragons are like the coolest shit ever. I mean, they breath fire. Hi baby fathead! Aka Mitch. The little fat kid's name is Porky McPorker. Mmm mmm good. This is just words. My name is Phillip! Call me Pattycakes! I wish I had an advent calendar! Chocolate love! Yabba dabba doo! Goodbye!

The Demanding Soul of Giant Stars

Hallo! That's hello is German, don'tchya know? how awesome possum is that? Pretty possum. When I first wrote that dang-nabbit sentence I somehow wrote "That's German in French." How fucked up is that? Pretty darn messed up. Come to think of it, what is German in French? Have no fear! The translator be here! Allemand. That's a pretty cool sounding word. If I was French, I would take a trip to Germany and say that word like it ain't nobodies business! I present to thee, a dilemma. You are the sun's one and only sunglass buyer. Every time he wants a different sort of type or color or brand, you have to immediately rush out to the nearest sunglass emporium and fetch them for him. Then you have to get in your ultra tinted spaceship that you are forced to rub down with SPF 50 every other day and head on up to the bright little bastards beckon. And on this particular trip he says to ya, he says "Hey *insert your name here* I have decided that sunglass are kind of über lame and I think my new in-thing should be mitten wearing. So throw that old fashioned junk away and go to the damn mitten store, ya hear!" With a lowly sigh of compliance you start walking back to your sun-screen smothered space-ship. A startling fact presents itself in your brain: Don't I have a life-stopping fear of mittens? Don't I throw up from fear every time I go golfing? (Golfers wear gloves, right?) Didn't you lose your right pointer finger last winter in at the South Pole because the thoughts of those hand-shaped cloth fuckers scares you to next March? Yepp, all those things are true.

What the hell are you gonna do in this situation!? Your boss the sun is a gosh darn prick and will force you to anyway. You hate martians, so you can't flee to Mars. What are ya gonna do? Damn those Martians for never using coasters! It'll leaving a fricking mark!

Personally I'd gain alliance with that suave dude The Moon.

The Ice is on Fire!

Hey! How great is it to see me? So great I bet. SO great! So anyway, I was thinking, and what wonderful, coagulated thoughts they were, that today I should find a photo or drawing and make a story out of it! It shall be a marvel of great consideration! I'm gonna head on over to Google images and type in some words that pop into my head. I'll tell you the winning words in a moment... I typed the word "robot" and was about to type something else absolutely awesome and before I could even think of it, this little gem presented it's fine self, one of the top suggested searches fro robot something was "Robot Dragon". That sounded so overwhelmingly fascinating and wonderful that my hand could not click it fast enough. This is the keeper that I stumbled upon... On with the story...

Now I think his name is Gregory Finklestein and he lives in a nice little cottage by the local river. He has a Martian Otter wife named Martha and three kids who are 1/4 Robot, 1/4 Dragon, 1/4 Otter, and 1/4 Martian. Their name's are Tommy, little Johnny, and Cindy. On Sundays they enjoy going to a nearby park and having a family picnic. Sometimes they invite a close family friend of theirs, uncle Oscar the vampire Phoenix. So one day Gregory went for a walk to think his deep thoughts. Along his walk he said hi to all his friendly neighbors and he eventually reached a pleasant little forest. Upon entering the forest, his lifetime rival, Joe the space Penguin entered. They immediately gave each other the supreme glare of glares. They proceeded to do so for the next 6 months. After doing so, clouds started to fill the sky, which normal happens in this situation, and Gregory felt like looking cool, so he make chest red and got in a cool little stance move.

The end.

The Eagle Flies at Half Past Midnight

I got nothing. NOTHING. NO THING. THING? No. There isn't any. None? Yeah none things. Nada. You know that thing everything? Not even close. Actually the opposite. Things aren't here. Where are they? Things...are you out there? Come here. Then we'll have something. Some of the thing. Things? Yeah, some.

Who the fuck did that? Some crazy lunatic bitch. Get her out of here, stat. You know what's so much better than strawberries? Nothing. I love killing my best friend by means of strawberries. Therefore, they're the supreme fruit, ya hear? Okay say this: Apples are kind of okay too, but you know what? They suck. Succotash on them balzacs. Expecto Patronum! Whoa, I mistaked you for a dementor back there. The color green is kinda cool, but I like that guy blue better. His overwhelming aloofness really puts me in my place. I like it when my colors take control. Rawr. What do these four animals make you think of: a Serpent, a Lion, an Eagle, and a Badger. Hogwarts bitchez! If you didn't say Hogwarts, then Avada Kedavra! Do the Devil and the King of the Sea have the same instrument of power? One's a trident, one's called a pitchfork. If you ask me, they look fucking identical. They both get the job done, I suppose. Let's move on. Like the seasons, lets change suddenly. Lets talk about coffee. I wish I drank that shit. It look like fucking great shit. So that Starbucks is a big cash cow, eh? They should really consider spreading some of that money milk around to those hobos and shit. Are you getting as annoyed as I am? I suspected as much. That Sherlock Holmes sher-liked suspecting stuff. Did he ever die? If he did, then I'm gonna make like him and be gone.

Peach out!

3 Cokes!

3. I had this page open eagerly awaiting for something to happen. And after about 5 minutes of nothing, I looked up and that was there. Just 3. What could it mean? How old I am? How many ounces of water I have drunken in 3 hours? How many crazy pills Lady Gaga takes each morning? Oh wait... that's 3 hundred. Isn't that just a barrel laughs? A whole damn barrel. So the other day I was reading the old news gazette again, like I usually do on Thursday evenings, and I saw an add for Vanilla Coke. And I thought to my vivacious little self "What the frickity frock happened to that delicious little miracle? It was here for so long making sure every little Coke fiend like myself got their hands on it and then one day it left us without even a goodbye wink. I want my wink!" I also instantly wanted a glass of that miracle elixir and damned those sorry sacks who said "y'know what? How about let's take this king of drinks, this marvel of mayhem flavor and rip it from the grasp of the world when it needs it most."
Fuck those guys.

A Tale of Great Wonder

I typed in "best drawing" in Google images and this picture was on the first page of results:

My thoughts on the bird on the right: I bet he came from a wealthy bird family that lived in the high upper parts of birdville. "I live among them, but I am not one of them." he would say because he hated the ritzy life. Consumerism and social status were as meaningless to him as a water cooler to a fish. One thing that his "good people" family always kept as a strong tradition was the act of sticking their beaks high in the air whenever someone they considered unworthy came into their sight. His brother Truman would roll in the joy of doing it, but ol' Evan would never succumb to such prearranged rudeness. One day, Evan met the bird on the left, Patrick. The most humble, intelligent, and loyal bird you ever would have laid your peepers on. He haled from the bad side of the tracks and worked as a beak polisher. (Ironically, Evan's father's favorite beak polisher to use.) Once acquainted, Evan and Patrick became fast friends. They were never seen apart. Evan was ignored by his family due to his "bad taste" and Evan was given the cold shoulder by his for hanging out with a bird of such rude and discriminating upbringing. But one day, Evan and Patrick had the biggest of falling outs. Evan thought they should fly one direction, Patrick thought another. They didn't speak the rest of that day, or the next, or the next after that. After several years of no communication they reunited and Evan flipped up his beak in disapproval. Patrick rolled his eyes.

The moral of the story is!: It does not do any good to make mountains out of very small molehills.

The Chamber of Secrets Has Been Opened, Enemies of the Heir Beware

I have been getting quite bored with those average, everyday computer colors so I inverted them and now things are going swimmingly! Okay so here's a situation: You're on plane. (Great start, right?) and the plane is going the regular plane speed and all so you know that it's going fast, and then you stand up in the middle aisle and jump. Now I've heard otherwise, but don't you think that you should rapidly get thrown backwards? I don't know, go ask a physicist. So what if there was a balloon man? He would have a regular body and all but his head would be a big blue balloon! And he would be able to change the size of his balloon on a whim. Sometimes, just for kicks and giggles, ya know, he would make his balloon so massive that he would start to hover. One time I tell ya, he got so angry at his Goldfish for not going in the little toy castle that he bought him that he started making his balloon grow... and grow.... and grow! So eventually he was floating by Saturn and saw a friendly little Space-Penguin. "How delightful!" He thought to himself, and a delightful thing it was. But after all he realized that his Fish never really liked him in the first place and he needed to come to terms with that. The other day I met this balloon man and he told me that sometimes he wishes that his balloon was Orange, not Blue. Sad for him, right?

Which would you rather be roommates with, the Basilisk form the Chamber of Secrets, or Nessy? Personally I would choose Nessy because I am tragically petrified of being petrified. But I do hear that the Basilisk makes a mean grilled cheese. On second thought I hate grilled cheese, I still choose the big N monster. But I also hear that Nessy never hangs his towels back up after using them and I don't think I could live with that. I choose Bassy. Oh, this just in, the Basilisk doesn't allow fans. They apparently disturb his sleeping. He lived in a damp, cold, basement face statue that doesn't seem very well kept. I bet that thing gets mold. Y'know what? The hell with em' both!

Hey folks.... That's all.

Abang-shoo-bop!

ROAR!

Okay, quiz time! Are you ready? Are you frickin ready?!? Okay, let's go. Do you think that roar came from...

A.) A Lion?

B.) A Dragon with a hankering for strawberry ice cream with caramel fudge, who's trapped in a strictly non-caramel arena?

C.) A Tiger named Phillip?

or D.) A space-monster who is rapidly catapulting towards Earth with not even a hint of what this peculiar blue-green planet is?

Answer time! Oh wondrous answer time, oh how long I doth waited for thee. It's a trick answer! It's none of them... but then again, it's all of them. Think about. Think about it good and long. "The Life and Times of a Porcupine: The Prickly Story." Would you read that book? I sure as hell would. In fact, I'd read it twice over, I'd probably even take a plane to go to the forest that the porcupine lives in so I could go to a book signing. I would even boycott the bestselling page-turner "The Misadventures of a Penguin: The Flightless, Cold as Fuck Story." Yepp, that's exactly what I'd do. And I'd do it with the utmost pride too! So the other day I was thinking. End of story. I bet you thought I was gonna say something after that but I guess today is not your lucky day. Your unlucky day if you will. If you could be only one of the elements, which one would you choose? Personally, I'd choose water. Water is just so much more personable and fun-loving than fire, and so much more intuitive and knowing than that pest wind. And don't even get me started on how needy earth is. That guy even makes you check in with him when you're taking a shower! I says to the guy, I says to him, "don't you have cracks to be shaking or something?" one time I even showed him where San Andreas was, he just asked me if I still loved him. What a tool those guys are. That water is the only decent one of the bunch! Kudos H2o!

Farewell, until tomorrow meets us, bright and beautiful...

Hablaaa

One side of the button that you click with is making a horrible ticking sound and it's like a little mouse running across my laptop squealing "fuck you!" every time I go to click on something. Mice can be such assholes, ya know?

How do you suggest I go about fixing this predicament...

(Better, longer blog posts soon I hope.)

A Note of Worth

The meaning of life is....

(To Be Continued)

The Greatest Treasure of Yeekabaka

My computer is running on reserve battery power so I'm gonna try to get this in quick. Hello, how are you? I hope you're good because that would be great! So what else is going on, seen any good movies lately? I have not, but I hope you have. Y'know, to keep my computer going for a few more minutes I'll turn the brightness way down.... Oh man, now I can barely see any of this now that that's the opposite of a bonus... What's the opposite of a bonus? A downus? It's a real downus. One day the king of the Seahorses was swimming his merry way along the seashore when he noticed a far off shiny object, so naturally he approached it. Upon ultimate arrival he realized that the aforementioned shiny pice of novelty was in fact a powerful diamond form the planet Yeekabaka, (I can't even begin to explain how he knew that) which is a very important artifact of importance, so he picked it up, telekinetically of course, and whisked it away to bring it to the leader of the Finders In Nefarious Dealings (or FIND) for further examination. Once Fred of FIND had fully and completely looked it over, he decided that FIND should keep in their custody for safe-keeping (Keep in mind what the N stands for). The King respectfully agreed and went home to his usual dinner of pea soup and Coke-a-Cola Zero. But Fred was up to a lot more than just safe-keeping, he was prepared to harness the diamond and take over the world, Fred was really into clichés so he saw this as the only option. But before the fearless leader of FIND could execute his plan, a lowly secretary of FIND had had enough with being bossed around and made fun of by all his co-workers so he went right up to Fred and punched him square in the face, knocking Fred unconscious. Fred was left incapacitated so long that the diamond vanished, a regular thing for these sort of special objects to do without attention. And Fred rued the day he ever was indecent to a lowly lower-management.

Good day!

The Menace Behind the Mystery

The so-and-so was in a loveless marriage with the so-and-so, so she decided to so-and-so with so-and-so and so-and-so got very mad and told so-and-so to so-and-so! And oh what a so-and-so it was! And then all was so-and-so.

That was such a great story! I really used every last drop from my creativity well for that one! You know when you drop something and somehow it ends up about a mile from where you dropped it? I hate that. It is such a perplexing phenomena. But don't get me devastatingly wrong, I do not buy in to the conspiracy that these events are mere coincidence, I think the force behind this is far more nefarious. I believe that whenever a person tells a little white lie that eventually turns into a big black lie, a tiny little creature called a Zinoway, scurries to the current residence or location of this person and waits around all day (but do not worry about the Zinoway becoming bored because Zinoways all have iPhones and are very good at picking out fun applications) for the person to accidentally, or purposefully drop something. Once the thing is dropped, the Zinoway quickly picks up the distraught dropped item and swiftly moves it to a ridiculously distant area. Those Zinoways are pesky little fuckers!

So don't go telling lies now, ya hear?

The Encounter of the Threshold

I quite liked the thing I did yesterday, ya know with the picture and the story and the whatnot? So I was thinking, and what great thoughts they were, that today I shall take 2 random words, type them into Google images, pick an image from the first page, and then write a story about it! Marvelous, I know. So how shall I go about choosing the 2 words? For the first one how about I point randomly at my English homework that I've just finished and what ever word I land on shall be my first word... The first word is "encounter" pretty exciting, huh? And for the second word I shall pick a word from the first document in my documents folder... The oh so random second word shall be "threshold". Okay! now to find the picture and let the story proceed...

In a world called Bluesockland there lives a group of brave people who spend most of their time finding ominous and mysterious looking places and then proceed to stand in them and try their best to absorb all the creepy glows and oddly fogged shadows. Sounds pretty darn fun, right? Right. Oh! And I almost forgot to mention that these people, let's call them Sockeys, look exactly like humans except for one small thing. They all have lights protruding from the top of their heads. Pretty intriguing I must say! So one day, the wife of the president of Bluesockland was wanting to do more than host dinner parties for the Prime Minister of Redsockland, or make phony small talk with the Greensockland's Chief of Staff, so she decided to leave the Blue House and go find an eerie place to ponder. So she got in her super special secret hover craft and took off into the night. (At least I think it was night... It could've been mid-day) She knew exactly the place to go, she had passed by it many-a-time on her long walks along the edge of town. It was a tiny island in the middle of the Bluesockland river that was covered in sand but had one gigantic rock raising higher than the tallest skyscraper in Yellowsockland, which was known for it's wonderfully tall buildings. She turned on the submarine feature of her hovercraft and dived down. Under the river's surface she saw a rare Duck-billed Fauxipaux (which is kind of like a Seahorse but really big with a Lion's tail, and of course a Duck-bill) and she was just about to run out of fuel when she resurfaced and was at the massive rock's threshold. She put on her "No-noise shoes", which she had just gotten in the mail yesterday, on and crept inside. In all her memory she had never smelled such a smell, but if she was absolutely forced to describe it, which I'm doing now, she'd have to say it smelled sort of like someone took precisely 3 cinnamon sticks, dipped then in homemade vanilla frosting, sprinkled orange and purple sprinkles on them and then baked them for 15 and a half minutes. Yeah. That sounds about right. So once inside the aforementioned massive cave, she took a few steps back, took a deep breath, placed her hands on her hips, and took it all in.

Now wasn't that just fantastic?

The Daring Tale of Tobias the Tree-Man

Hi! I came across this picture the other day and I quite enjoy it. So I have decided to conduct a writing of a story to go along with this glorious painting...

Once upon a time in a world far distant from this one, there is a place where the trees quite often enjoy taking the form of humans just for kicks and giggles, ya know? These mischievous trees like to partake in many things, they play board games, they hold dinner parties and book clubs, some less than mature trees sometimes play games of tag, or if they feel so daring, freeze tag. But one thing the trees never ever do, and to be completely honest, is quite frowned upon in the tree community is accidentally, or on purpose, fall in love with one of those dastardly humans. They go out with them plenty, but that is just for their own amusement, none ever so as dare gain a liking to one. In fact, it was a game among the trees to go out with a human and see just how rude you could be without them pointing it out, or telling you so. "Those damn humans hate confrontation." Zacharias Treewood, president of the human trickery club, would always say. But the tale of the evils of the tree people is not the tale I'm telling. Well, actually it starts off that way. So one day in the hustle and bustle of Tree City (The Trees lived in a metropolis. Weird, I know) a young Tree-man by the name of Tobias Leafgood was getting bored with his daily monotonous routine of making sure his branches were not getting too long and so forth, so he decided that he might go on a date with one of those ditzy humans, just to have a little mischievous fun. So he conjured up a date in no-time. (Because in all fairness, he was a dashing Tree-man) and they made plans to have dinner at his favorite restaurant. He picked up the poor unwitting girl at around 6 and they headed to dinner. Once the meal begin, Tobias was revving up all the rudeness he could muster but before he had a chance to unleash it, his lovely date unleashed a storm of her own. A storm of charm, humor, and intelligence that entranced Tobias in a whirlwind of attraction and, even though he wouldn't admit it to himself at the time, love. He immediately swept the woman into his branches, let's say her name is Jennifer and whisked her away to find a place where their love would not be judged. But before the 2 inter-species lovers could reach this isolation they were being swiftly chased by a group of Tree people who were out to ruin their newfound, forbidden love. Jennifer told Tobias that she would keep running and searching and eventually find their paradise and told him that she shall wait for him to ward off the evils of his people and eventually reunite with her. (And now this is the part that the painting portrays) Tobias held Jennifer close to him and told her that he shall make his people understand their love and then he shall come and find her and they shall live together in true love forevermore. And in that moment, they both uttered the 3 promising words "I love you."

Now that was fun, huh? I sure think so!

A Glorious Day!

I got a bed that's about a thosand miles high and that's totally awesome. I also finally got my Hogwarts letter! I've been waiting on that sucker for 4 years now! I'm gonna Expelliarmus the shit out of that place! Can someone say Quidditch star! Yepp, this guy right here can because he's gonna be one! Oh yeah.

I had a different picture with my name and everything but this one is much mich better and cooler I think. Kudos Me!

One Perplexing Question of Absurdity

If a Blue duck quacks in an empty pond, does it even make a sound?
Think about it.

Thank God the Moon Didn't Explode

Goodbye! How is not the person slightly adjacent to you? Bad I not assume.

How's that for the opposite of opposites? Pretty okay shmokay if I do say so myself. Oh my! So what's up with that whole Nasa shooting the moon thing, that was nut-balls, huh? I bet some Nasa intern (I wonder if there is such a thing...) wanted to impress some smart little Nasa worker girl and decided he better go and make some jokes. "Smart girls dig funny guys" the damn bastard thought to himself. So all frickin day long he's been waiting for his moment you know? And so after a day filled with non-impressing, the big boss man at Nasa says "Hey son" which this kid really hates, that guy's not his effing father. He says "would you like to come and sit in on a very exciting and prestigious Nasa meeting that's occurring in a moment?" "Sure thing!" the nice kid says. So once in the meeting this kid, let's say his name is Tommy, he sees that this girl that he is mad crushing on is in attendance. And he gets all nervous and uncomfortable, he starts frantically thinking of any little joke he can grasp. "Dead puppies are funny, right?" he thinks, but immediately cancels the idea. For obvious reasons. So well into the extreme snoozefest of the meeting, the big boss guy suddenly says real loud "Anyone got any out-of-the-box ideas? Tommy immediately raises his hand, ridiculous joke in head, and exclaims "how about we shoot a big missile into the moon?!?" And feeling all cocky out of his damn humor, he glances over at... let's say this little fire-crackers name is Sarah, well he glances over at her to see if she at least is giggling... She isn't. Tommy's sad. So Tommy stops paying attention again. Goes home. Does his usual monotonous night-time routine. Goes to sleep. Wakes up in the morning. Turns out the big boss man takes his opinions to heart.

Hmm... That was fascinating, don'tchya think?

The Sun is Blue and the Sky is Yellow

Hello hello hello friends? Good day! I say good day to you! What do you call a Centaur who likes to read Jane Austen novels? A half Horse, half man creature who enjoys one particular novelist over others! Exactly. My name is Skippidy-doo-da-dee, and I love to climb trees! Geez, this is just the day of wonderful surprises. Right? What? Precisely. MY gum is like the fucking bluest blue you ever blued and I took it and turned it into a magical spiral made of love and goodness and happiness and goodness...

Take note of my Harry Potter doll on the right. Hint: It was actually my left.

See ya later...

I Don't Really Have a Bunny

Hello hello hello.

Goodbye goodbye goodbye.

No subject today, eh?

Nope.

What a darn shame. A tragically darn shame.

Yeah. Well you win some, you lose some, eh?

Eh.

Yeah. I totally get it. So what's new.

Oh, a little of this, a little of that.

Hmm... Seen any interesting looking birds today?

Mmm, not particularly.

Oh. Too bad.

You betchya.

So... Got any pets?

Just a bunny named Ronald the third.

That's pretty super-duper cool. How often do you have to feed it?

Oh. Only like once day.

Interesting. I have a pet Iguana.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay, well goodbye now.

The Tumultuous Journey of One Brave, Brave Space-Penguin

Hi! I just got out of the miraculous shower and I feel funky freshtastastic! So whats up each and every one of you? I hope everything is because that would just be delightful!

Here is the diary of a Space-Penguin traveling around the galaxy in 10 days:

Day 1: I wonder how I am even surviving floating in space with no apparent survival apparatus. Can I really travel the entire Milky frickin' way galaxy in only 10 frickin' days?!? I highly doubt such things. I hope I see Saturn!

Day 2: Y'know, a lot of times in my life I have cursed the big ol' G man for not giving us black and white supposed "avian" creature the darned gift of flight, but in this particular journey, I can honestly say that it would probably cause more trouble than it's worth. Just a thought.

Day 3: Today I was taking a nice long leisurely stroll along the ring of Saturn (Yes, Saturn! Exciting!) and I noticed a far off rotating dot in the distant sky, space, or what have you. And so I approached it. Turns out, it was my best bud Kevin from back home. He's a Koala. True story.

Day 4: Space is boring. Kevin says hi.

Day 5: I shot Kevin. Don't ask. He fucking deserved it.

Day 6: I hope these last 4 days go quick because my supply of granola bars is rapidly diminishing. I hope there's a farmer's market somewhere up here.

Day 7: No farmer's market. Might eat Kevin.

Day 8: Koala meat is quite the delicious meal. No, I kid. I'm not a fucking animal! Oh wait...

On second thought, he does look kind of like he tastes like peanut butter. Where's that jelly tasting Hippo when yo need him? Am I right?

Day 9: Going home tomorrow. I met a martian today! He stole Kevin's body, which for some reason I was keeping.

Day 10: Home-bound! I'm gonna eat a PB&J and avoid my neighbors, Kevin's wife and children. *Sigh*

I hope you liked that!

R.I.P. Kevin Mortimer Pralene III

Nothingness

All of my electronics are rapidly failing on me. I'm surprised that my keyboard is even letting me type this right now... Maybe it will just cut me off at any second, I better find a freaking subject soon! What is a Monkey's favorite food? BANANAS!

This is some grade-A comedy right here, am I right?

I present to you, an ad-libbed story...

Once upon a clandestine time there lived a gargantuan turquoise hybrid of a Dragon and a Lion. This Dragion was named Phosepher. Phosepher was an apprentice to a grand and illustrious Spaceman. This Spaceman often left on long and unknown journeys leaving Phosepher to tend to the many amazing objects that the great Spaceman had invented.

Okay, that story was going nowhere so I'm gonna stop.

Okay bye!

Scroll down to see some post with a little more thought. I'd say about 4, 5, or 6 down would be interesting...

Having A Discussion With Oneself

Namaste! How do you do? I just spent the last 5 minutes chatting with myself on AIM, which I think stands for AOL Instant Messenger, but I just call it iChat. I know some people call it "IM" which I particularly think, for lack of a better word, is stupid. For one thing I always think they are saying I'm, as in I am. But they're not, they're just confusing me and probably countless other people. "I'm having so much fun iming!" What the hell does that mean? Saying I'm? That doesn't sound very fun. So anyway, the riveting conversation between Me and Me went something like this, actually, not something, exactly like this:

Me: Hello!

Other Me: Hello!

Me: How are you dood?!?

Other Me: How are you dood?!?

Me: Well I'm pretty sick, but other than that, can't complain, how's that pet Giraffe of yours?

Other Me: Well I'm pretty sick, but other than that, can't complain, how's that pet Giraffe of yours?

Me: I don't have a Giraffe... That's you...

Other Me: I don't have a Giraffe... That's you...

Me: Y'know what? Fuck you, you know how that subject so tediously pulls at my heartstrings. I'm leaving and don't try to stop me by agreeing.

Other Me: Y'know what? Fuck you, you know how that subject so tediously pulls at my heartstrings. I'm leaving and don;t try to stop me by agreeing.

And then it ended. Other Me was quite repetitive and rude, but that is what I love most about him. His consistency.

Goodbye now...

Brief to the Ultimate Max

Hello. The weather has been on top of me all day so I will make this quite short.

- "A dollar lost is a dollar earned." -

That's inspirational, huh?

Thank Superman!

Hello? Hello?!? HELLO?!? H-E-L-L-O!?!?!?! Oh there you are, thank god. Y'know what? I'm gonna start saying something different than that because I don't really believe in that guy, the big G-O-D. How about... Superman? I love that guy and he deserves a thanks or an oh my every now and then. Or how about Dumbledore? That might work quite well too. Y'know what? I'll make a deal with you, and a great deal it shall be. How about when the time arises to mention the big bearded guy in the sky (Rhyme! That's lovely.) I shall replace whichever of the 2 names feel right at the time. So let's try it out in some situations. Situation 1: I'm walking along a long, chrome, empty corridor reminiscing about times gone by when suddenly the precious ground on which I stand transforms into a trap-door. And I start falling, and when I say falling, I mean falling. Big time. So after about an hour of this illustrious falling I decide that it's about safe enough for me to look down and completely assess this sticky situation. And as I glance toward the black hole that is my seemingly endless fate, I realize something that truly strikes a match of fear in my never-before-been-scared stomach. I could fall forever. Like forever forever. That would not be good. I also consider the theory that I could just be floating in one place and had never been falling in the first place. That is chillingly claustrophobic. So I say to myself, "Self, you can't just sit here singing the theme song to Rocket Power for all of eternity, you need to focus, and get your darn self out of this perplexing predicament. Ooh, nice alliteration. Thanks, you're too kind. So I decide to stop thinking that the thing I'm doing is falling and start thinking that the thing I am doing is landing. And suddenly, like magic, the endless vortex becomes a cloud, high above a mass metropolis. And I say, "Oh my Dumbledore!"

How was that? I think it might work. And now on to situation 2: I'm painting a giant castle whilst standing on a 78.5 feet latter, and the darned thing starts to waver. Out of sheer panic I start to swipe my arms in circles to catch my balance. Does that even work? People always do it but I'm not sure it ever does anything. So the frantically wavering latter suddenly sustains stability again. Miraculous, I know. And so I say "Thank Superman!"

That one worked pretty dandy too. I think I'll start using these as replacements.

Farewell.
Oli

Rock Around the Clock!

First blog post from my phone! How fucking exciting?!? I'm gonna make it short due the death-defying fact that it is extremely tedious to type long things on this technological miracle. So I will just say a few things...

- What the frak is a razmataz?! I've always heard that word but what the hell does it mean?!?

- Who wants to play scrabble with me?!? Yes? Race to the game closet. 3 2 1! I'm gonna get existential and beat you so hard!

- Who wants to go on Judge Judy with me? I could say you stole my pet miniature horse and that you killed and cooked it and served it at one of your illustrious dinner parties and you could say that you saw a regular sized horse beat it to death because it thought it to be inadequate.

- Am I gonna leave because this typing is starting to make my hand all tingly? Yes. Good day!

This Was All Made Up On The Spot, Aren't I Just the Best?

So one day this Blue baby Lion and this Giant Green Lemming (Please take note that said Lemming was not what most would consider "giant" due to the fact that Lemmings are quite small to begin with, but on with the story!) So this Lion and this Lemming, let's say their names are Chester and Rutherford, Chester being the Lion, Rutherford being the Lemming, were walking along a vast and dry Savannah when they encountered a massive pit of lava blocking them from proceeding onward. Naturally, Chester arose the subject of ditching the whole mission all together but Rutherford told him it was far too important and they had already come so far to just leave it all behind like a peep among chocolate bunnies on Easter. Chester reluctantly agreed. So after hours and days and perhaps years of trying to figure out a way across the lava, they noticed that there was a stand only about 10 feet away, widely displaying the words "Lava shoes, pay with an unsolvable riddle" they approached the aforementioned stand and the Basset Hound that ran it. "One unsolvable riddle please" the Hound said. Within that moment Chester stepped in front of the massive dog and uttered the phrase "You may look in the breakfast nook, but you will fail to find the thing I took. So why don't you go stand in the rain, for you will never know my name!" Looking Wholly and thoroughly confused, the Basset Hound said "I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about but it seems you are my five hundred and sixty ninth customer and that means you can have two pairs of lava shoes free of charge, oh! And this rape whistle!" "Well that worked out perfectly, and who doesn't need a rape whistle? Those are very practical!" Rutherford said. So they crossed the mass body of lava with ease and continued on there journey, afterwards Chester discovered that blowing the whistles caused you to disappear and become invisible. "Geez, practicality is quite the visitor today!" Rutherford commented. So they continued their valiant journey and eventually were stopped by a giant sea monster (Now I know that doesn't make much sense but you try to come up with something better instead of just sitting there judging me, ugh, the nerve of you.) After coming to terms with the fact that beating such a creature was out of the realm of possibility, Chester blew the rape whistle. And miraculously Chester and Rutherford made like Jesus and didn't exist! (Ooh, I'm expecting a smiting soon.) As invisible versions of themselves they flawlessly escaped the tyrannical sea monster and reached their much sought after goal. And a wonderful place it was.

Who? What? Where? Why? Walrus? Windmill?

Hello! (He sounds excited, huh? I wonder why, it's probably nothing big. Woah. I'm a cynical alter-ego, how sad.) How are you? Good? Good. (He's definitely opened that way before, way to be original there buddy!) So anyway, I wonder if I have a subject today or if I'll just ramble on nonsensically like usual. So right now I have no subject but maybe if I just keep talking some subject will eventually meet me here. Like Benjamin Button! Get it? Meet in the middle? Hilarious, right? (Not really... It actually didn't even make much sense, unless you're using personification and that's just stupid. You could say until you eventually "think" of a subject but I doubt that'll happen.) Geez, my second voice here is quite the asshole, I wonder what his name is? (My name's John, asshole) Ha! What kind of name is John Asshole? Your parents must have hated you. (Shuttup. Nobody cares.) I still haven't met that subject. CATS! That's a great subject! (Not really.) One thing that's fascinating about cats is that no one really knows the names of the different kinds of cats like they do dogs. Like what are those puffy, white, bitchy one's called? I feel like most of them are named Snowball. Maybe they're called Snowys, I damn hope so! Okay, that subject didn't really get going so I'm just gonna stop. It's sad I know but I have been staring at this nefarious screen idealess for so long that I might just start typing cat over and over again. One more thing: I'm thinking about becoming one of those Youtube vloggers and the best way to go about doing something is follow a trend and do what's most common in that field so I think I think I'll dye my hair black and sit in a dark room and talk about how much I love Twilight and the Jonas Brothers. Oh! And make my username something along the lines of "mzzcullennn666" yeah, I'm pretty sure it's a sure-fire thing people will like me if I do that!

Cat cat cat cat... goodbye!

PS: Was anyone else extremely confused by the whole alter-ego thing? I sure was. Was the parenthesis a whole different guy or me just talking to myself? I don't think that's either here nor there. What?

Mzzzcullennn666 out.

Idiomtastic!

Hello! Is anyone else as monumentally and mind-blowingly as tired as I am? I hope not.

So on this fine evening I shall list some common sayings and add my own little commentary to them. And I'm gonna be as literal as possible so that's wonderful. Sound fun? I think so.

"A picture paints a thousand words" - On second thought, I shouldn't have started with this one seeing as it's one of the rare ones that actually make sense to me, but on second, second thought, it is worded in a way that makes me think of a thousand words painted on a canvas. I wonder what words are on there? I hope "googlethorp" because that is a fantastical word. Actually, on fourth thought, I don't think that is a real word.

"A chip on your shoulder" - A poker chip? A potato chip? An ice chip? I hope it's an ice chip, those are fucking great! *Yay! One point for first blog curse word!*

Referring to something as "A cake walk" - I have no idea what this means but I imagine it's something like a marathon where every few yards or so you are rewarded with cake. How does one go about finding a sign-up sheet for this?

"Apple of my eye" - An Apple is much larger than an eye-socket. An eye-socket is quite smaller than an Apple. I sense a dilemma.

"A piece of cake" - How come these saying and expressions are obsessed with cake? Well on fifth thought, everyone loves cake, why shouldn't they be allowed to be obsessed with cake? How dare you judge them for liking such a delicious treat! You sicken me.

"Back to the drawing board" - Only artists should say this, anyone else should be ashamed to. Too harsh? I think not.

"A cup o' Joe" - I wonder if the guy who invented coffee's name was Joe Smith or John Joe or Joe Joe.

"Dark horse" - I don't know what this one means but I love it. I shall go look it up.

"Dropping like flies" - Do flies die easily? I don't think so... perplexing.

"Over my dead body" - That's just plain morbid. People shouldn't say that.

Okay, now I shall stop. I feel like this could drag on and on. Imagine this: *5 years later: Me, sitting in the same place, looking aged 5 years with an extremely long white beard. "Hmm, raining cats and dogs, that's a good one!"* Okay, now you can stop imagining it.

Well, goodbye now, hope to see you soon!

A Ramble of Extreme Delirium

So right now I'm really not in the typing mood and it reminds me that when I first started this valiant blog that my initial plan was to do a "vlog" every now and then. And by the way, I hate that word vlog, you think the blogging gods could have conjured up something better than just taking the goddamn first letter and switching it! I am unimpressed. So hopefully one of those miscreants will make it's way here soon. So... subject, subject, what shall today's subject be concerning? The meaning of life? No, too pretentious. A list of stuff that deeply annoy me? No, that would go on for days. Watermelons? No, too moist. The barftasticness of hot cheese? Ew, don't talk about that. Okay, now I'm just rambling, let's get to the damn point already. How about... Llamas in pajamas? Sure, I can make something out of that, Llama Llama, in pajamas, don't you love using commas? Actually, I don't think I can make much of that except a nice little poem. So let's move on once more. Going back to that dreaded word, vlog, I really wish I could just post one of those awesome things right now instead of writing all this gloobidy-glop. What? What did I just say? I don't think I'm in my right mind, aren't I supposed to be giving insightful opinions on things? It doesn't feel like I'm doing that... okay... am I doing it now? Close enough, right? Is anyone else confused? This guy sure is! So if you just so happen to read this, could you pretty please comment on it, or write on my Facebook somewhere what you're favorite color and animal are? I'll try to make a "vlog" out of it. And from now on I shall refer to them as "loop-dee-doops", no? Okay, vlog it is dammit!

The Extraordinary 5 Letter Debacle!

So hello! How are you? Good? Good. Actually, I shouldn't be so quick to assume that, you could be awful. If you are indeed awful, you have my deepest condolences. Now let's move on...

I shall conjure up a letter of complete randomness and then proceed to name some things that I love that begin with said aforementioned letter.

Let's get crack-a-lackin, shall we? I'll do about 2 or more things for 5 letters to keep this snappy...

X - Xylophones (more specifically the sounds of the xylophone, kind of like the chocolate of the ears. Oh sweet joy!) Xena Warrior Princess (I don't think I have ever watched an entire episode of that show but I heart that badass bitch.) Okay, that's enough with X, it was mighty hard anywho.

R - Race-car beds (I wish my bed could race other beds. It would always win the Furniture 500.) Rubeus Hagrid (I'm still waiting on him coming through that door with my long-awaited letter from Hogwarts.) Rain... actually... how about we pretend it's gloom for the purpose of my little parenthesis comment to work (Oh gloomy gloom, won't you come back into bloom?)

A - Alliteration (Purple partying penguins from Peru! Tigers tangling tulips on Tuesday in tutus!) Art History (No wait, I hate that. If I loved that I would get A LOT more sleep. *Because it's boring. Wink wink.) Asphyxiation (The word, not the noun. It just sounds so.... intriguing.)

H - *A little sidenote on H: People with Australian accents (People with Australian accents? Why didn't he just say Australians? Idiot.) seem to pronounce this oh so random letter "Hache", pronounced Hay-ch. Sidenote over* Harps (Anyone know how to play one? If you just said "I do" then I'll meet you outside of my house in 10 minutes for a glorious serenade.) Heart (If you hadn't noticed, instead of saying "I love..." or "they love.." I usually say "I heart..." or "they heart.." just to change things up a little bit, I also love the organ, because if that thing wasn't around we'd all be dead and stuff, and nobody likes that.) Harold and the Purple Crayon (I'd do anything to have his amazing powers.) Hedgehog (Sonic, that is.)

U - Uranium (Again, the word, not the cancer causing element.) Underdog (The only thing I really love about this is the tag-line for the movie that came out a couple years ago "One nation, underdog") Up, up, and away! (Just screaming that when I'm home alone.)

C - Cuticles (I'm gonna pick mine after I finish writing this.) Cup-holders (I wish I had one near me right now. Oooh, do you think I can get a race-car bed with cup-holders?!?) Cold beverages (I prefer them so cold that they kind of hurt my throat when I drink them.)

XRAHUC. That's what those 5 letters spell. Interesting, huh? I think it means to express joy over something that is technical and/or figurative. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what it means. Your computer will self-destruct in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

A Story You Just Can't Beat!

Hello there!

Here's a story I wrote once... I am not in the blog writing mood so here ya are you little miscreants. Happy Halloween! (It's really quite a shame that this story is not Halloweeny, but what are you gonna do?)

Pitter-Pat

As I walk I hear the soft pitter-pat of my shoes softly tapping the cement with every step, pitter…pat pitter… pat. The sound is so peaceful and somber but so vividly wild all at once. I start to hear soft whispers not too distant. The sound of my feet is just barely audible over the hushed voices. They slowly fade as I walk further. Pitter… pat …pitter …pat. I begin ever so slightly to hear the quaint sound of a violin; it carries a quick tune much faster than the pitter pat of my shoes, I want to stop walking and just stand there and let the beautiful music fill the space around me but I can’t. The more and more I walk, the music becomes faster and louder. Faster. Louder. Faster. Louder. Then it stops within a moment. Pitter… pat… pitter… pat. I hear a sudden shrill noise behind me, and my fear inclines me to run. My soft pitter-patter abruptly becomes wild clanging and clacking as my shoes slam against the pavement. CLANG... CLACK... CLANG... CLACK. I eventually calm myself to bring back the familiar pitter pat. Pitter … pat …pitter … pat. I gradually look up to find that I have reached the place I longed to be. Home.

Dinosaurs Rule My Mind!

Hello there, how art thou? Well, I presume, or at least I hope thou art well. One creepy thing that is happening to me currently is that the little green light on the top of my computer that indicates whether my camera is in use or not, is on. So I ask, dear people, WHO THE HELL IS WATCHING ME?!?! Should I wave or something? How does one go about treating these sort of inconspicuous, creepy situations? Should I cover the camera? Or wildly embrace the nefarious attention? I'm gonna go with the latter. Also! Another thing that I am currently up to is very skillfully procrastinating anything that somewhat resembles homework! It's super totally awesome! Another super-duper exciting thing is that my top, all the way left tooth really, really hurts and I don't know why and it is frustrating and befuddling. Anyway... You know what always looks flippin' delicious?!? The cap'n crunch and pixie stick sandwich that the basket case has for lunch in The Breakfast Club. I wonder if I have any pixie sticks... Okay, well I have a monstrous, world ending headache, so I'm gonna leave. See ya'll on the dark side of the moon!

Boogadaboogadaboogada uh uh uh!

The Greatest Read In A Century

So I just ate a 1-pound Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and my taste buds are going wild with mischievous excitement... but now I really would like a glass of cold water, I should go get one, don'tchya reckon? And as I sit here, partially immobilized by sugar and delight, I am void of subject, so I think I will post the "25 Random Things About Me" from way back when everybody was making those on Facebook. But don't be worried you avid Facebook stalkers of yours truly, I shall edit it a bit...

1. I was the first person to coin the word “Ginormous.” Don't believe me? Well, you're wrong.

2. Sometimes I love the color blue so much I want to be it.

3. I only swear about once a week but I have always desired to be a person that swears a lot, I can just never remember to. It’s a damn pity.

4. About 90% of the time I pronounce my last name wrong. Urgent note to self: *It’s pronounced Ap-stine, not Ap-steen*

5. My hair has been blonde, brown, orange, red, blue, green, pink, and magenta but now is its natural snoozefest color, which is brown. I should make a comeback with some neon Turquoise!

6. If I had an English or Australian accent, I would rule. I would rule everything that is awesome.

7. I would really like to own a state-of-the-art teleportation machine. Any ideas how one goes about getting one of those?

8. If my bed sheet has even the slightest crinkle there is no way I will ever fall asleep in it. Ever.

9. I make bed sheets really crinkly whilst sleeping. It is my own deepest internal struggle.

10. Telekinesis is something I really, really aspire to have. Actually, way more than really. Like whatever is 10 times stronger than extremely.

11. I don’t at all understand people who don’t like to read. They are flippintastic weirdo nutballs!

12. During the middle of the night, I wonder random things, like “I should have picked up that penny earlier, curse you, you penniless idiot!” or “I wonder if the basket case from the Breakfast Club would have been my friend? I sure as hell hope so!”

13. I wish I was King of the Wild Things. BE STILL!

14. If I say “brb” in an instant message conversation it means I probably just don’t want to talk to you, unless I come right back. Or if I say “lol” it means I have been abducted by aliens and replaced with someone that is definitely not me. So don’t believe that laughing imposter!

15. I love to say the same word over and over again in my head until it sounds utterly and completely strange. Spoon spoon spoon spoon spoon spoon. That’s a freaky word. I do not like it any longer.

16. I love to make up ironic situations. Like what if a guy who’s absolute favorite color is blue (like me) has a room where the walls are all yellow (that’s like me too!) Woah, that story was very easy to relate to.

17. I am so happy when I get to write “and/or.” It’s the very best of the 2-word words.

18. I love to jump in leaves and/or crush them under my feet. I like to even more rank the crunchiness on a scale of 1-10! (That was an oddly fragmented sentence)

19. I will never get why anyone would choose to have a mustache. I would only consider it okay if the person had naturally blue hair.

20. I love titles that have colons in them. Example: “Oli: The Tale of Me.”

21. If I grow up to be an actor I will most likely change my name to “Oliver Chase”, “Oliver Young”, or "Chase Young”, which are all tangents of my original name. I think Oliver Chase is the winner.

22. I wish that the concept of daemons from The Golden Compass was real and I would hope mine was a white lion or something badass like that. Or that something that badass was my patronus.

23. I loathe morning people. Come on guys, get a life.

24. My favorite animals are Spider Monkeys. They are the best. I will pay 100 dollars to whomever can get one on my shoulder within the next 5 minutes. Okay, go!

25. I love using semicolons and the rare times I get to use those winky little gems.

The Sweetest Holiday Around

I'm just sitting here, watching a show about morbidly obese people. It's interesting in a very obscure way. I just found out that people with food addictions most likely have a low dose of serotonin. Isn't that fascinating? I think so. They just called someone "580 pounds of attitude", If I was 580 pounds of something, I hope it would be attitude... or fun. I think fun would be better. From now on please refer to me as "580 pounds of fun." And to get to my subject... Today is National Chocolate Day! The best of the national days! And that is kind of a good segway from fat people, so here goes it! I heart chocolate, but doesn't everybody? Actually, I know a few extremely bizarre and strange people that don't, but this post is not for them. So to celebrate this best of holidays I will list some of my favorite ways to consume this scrumdiddilyumptious entrancement of the senses...

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - The all-time, ultimate, best, all-around greatest candy. I would be a Reese's if I could.

Smore's - These little angels don't need any backing up.

Hot chocolate - The best of the chocolate orientated beverages. Except Coke with hot fudge. That's the best. No, I'm just kidding. It's better than the best.

Malted Milk Balls - The best damn things ever. Ever.

Okay goodbye my fair feathered fellas. (I big-time heart alliterations. I wish I could marry one. You could be the flower girl.)

580 pounds of fun, signing off.

A Series About Life, After Life

So hello everyone, I'm feeling a tad under the weather, and to borrow a quote from my oh so wise friend, "It's hard to think while the weather is on top of you" or some variation of that sentence. So I think I will just rant it out. WOAH... So after writing that first little sentence or paragraph or what not, I opened another tab and completely forgot that I had even begun writing this. Crazy, huh?!? I think so. Absolute craziness. So... the other day, I met this dog named Chester, and guess what? He can talk. He's my best and only friend. I'll give you a million dollars if you can guess what my absolute favorite fruit? Aw, no guesses? Well, it's Strawberries. Hey, sorry about the whole no million dollars thing, but honest to god (lower case G) none of you had ANY guesses. Quite a shame. Okay, you can have the million dollars if you can answer this question: Which is my supreme favorite Pokemon? Aw, seriously, no guesses again? Well it's Squirtle, I love that little blue, water Turtle! Ya know what one of my favorite things is? The TV show "Dead Like Me", I curse the aforementioned "god" whenever I remember that it only had 2 seasons and I will never see a new episode of it again, and it is an astronomical shame. The last sentence of the whole outstanding series was "It's not so bad, being dead like me." And I personally think that was a perfect way to end it, but oh Lord how I wish it hadn't. Ended that is. Hmm, I think I'll title this scrumptious little rant one of the taglines from this little bit of television Gold. Now, to get back on the subject of no subject... up on the little edit bar, there is this word called "monetize" and I'm not quite sure what it means, which doesn't happen to me that often. Also, I'm sitting at a very strange angle, thus causing me to type slowly and uncomfortably. Okay, I am gonna go wallow in my sickness and uncomfortable typeness. Oh wondrous joy!

Until the morrow...

A Brief Moment of Having a Subject

Hey... Guess what? I actually have something to talk about today, not just one of those oh so wonderful nonsensical rants that I know you love. Now... I know some people go ape shit over collecting seemingly stupid things like a piece of paper with a picture of some ball thrower on it, or a few dusty old antiques, but that is not my cup o' tea. (that's a weird expression, I'm not sure if I like it or not. I don't think I do) I am not usually the type of person who gets all giddy adding more to a collection, but there is one exception, (was that a rhyme?!) one thing that I actually do devote extra pennies too. Digital Video Discs. Or for you none in-the-know folks, DVD's. I just love em'. I started this collection I'd say about a year ago or so and it has grown exponentially. There's some DVD's that I have that I haven't even watched yet, isn't that crazy?!? I love it. Do you? I wish a mysterious stranger who doesn't speak much and is surrounded by ominous smoke would walk up to me and hand me 100 dollars and say "Y'know, you're such a great guy and all, so I was thinking you should have this. But be forewarned, if you don't spend it on DVD's, grave and terrible thing will happen." And take note that that last part is supposed to be said in a spooky ghost voice, for dramatic effect and all that neeto stuff. To give some closure to this moment of collection, let me go and count how many DVD's I have anywho... 102. (Another rhyme. Yippee!) That's the big number. I consider that impressive, don't you?

So I wonder when that mysterious stranger will come visit bearing that 100 bucks... hopefully soon.

Oh, and don't you little peons worry, more rants coming to a computer near you. So I hope you enjoyed this brief moment of having something to talk about (I've kind of said goodbye 5 or 6 times) because we all now it won't last long!

Up, Up, and Away!

Oh man... Blogging always seems to slip my ferocious little mind whenever that dastardly day named Sunday rolls around. It seems my blog has become a constant slew of rants and never quite seem to have a point or reason. And I must say, I am quite enjoying it. Speaking of that kooky day Sunday, I kinda hate it. I mean, it's a constant anticipation to the worst of days, Monday, DUN DUN DUN! I am all out of any sort of interesting topics so I will try to make this snappy. I just heard a really kind of creepy and somewhat foreign noise escape from the corner of my room. Do you think it's a monster or a Blue alien that wants to be my best friend? I'm hoping for the latter. Speaking of latters, I wish there was a ladder to the moon that I could climb and climb and climb and eventually reach that wonderful sphere made of cheese. Except there is one problem, I don't like cheese. Axe that plan, would ya? I wish I could be a Cheetah for a day, and run fast like the wind and be free as a bird, or something else that is generally free. How about air? That's the freest thing around. Freest? Is that the spelling of Free-est? I think so. No Red squiggley line under it. Well I promised I'd make it snappy (Did I promise? I don't remember ever promising that) so I have to keep that promise. (What promise is he talking about?)

It seems I've developed a separate personality that comes out to visit when I write blogs. (<--- LIES!)

Okay, good bye now loop-dee-doops!

Make Like a Tree and Leaf!

Nothing to discuss, nothing to discuss. What shall I discuss? Nothing? Okay. It's almost Halloween everyone. I am not particularly fond of this holiday, the only thing I enjoy about it is Candy Corn, which I have had none of. What an extreme pity. Can one of you guys bring me some? Okay? Thanks. You're too kind. I am currently wearing a thick, long sleeved shirt and I am wishing it was a thin, short sleeved shirt. I need to become more decisive on my shirt picking outing. I don't think I can finish this blog post without changing said shirt, one moment please....... aw, that's a relief. Last night, I watched the Tim Burton Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and I made the following observation: The Buckets are not a nice little family with high morals, they are a bunch of hobos stuffed in a little shanty house. The costume designers even went as far as giving them fingerless gloves. Their walls are completely slanted, and they don't even get the newspaper delivered, Charlie has to take one out of a trash! Even when Mr. Bucket has his job at the toothpaste company, they still are all hobotastic! Come to think of it, I actually like this aspect of the Bucket family... go figure. Mmm, I want some chocolate right now. Can you guys pick some up when you're getting the Candy Corn? Who do you think would win in a fight, me or Xena Warrior Princess? Probably me. Right now is the first time in my life where I have had a working watch. And I must say, it is wonderful. I think that is the main reason why I would beat Xena, she doesn't have an awesome possum watch like me. I can say Pineapple in Spanish. Wanna hear? Piña. I'm impressed with myself that I know how to make one of those squiggles show up over the n. You wish you were that talented. You do, honestly.

Candy Corn, Shantys, Warrior Princesses, oh my!

See you on the flip side.

Liger-tastic!

Hello my outrageous little peons! I wonder how much I could tell you about Ligers without googling or wikipedia-ing them. Fact: Ligers are a hybrid of Lions and Tigers. We all know that, but what percentage of a Liger is Lion and what percentage is a Tiger? You may think it doesn't matter but you are incredibly mistaken. Fact: Liger is a real word, I know you know that, so how come my computer puts the little red squiggly line under it? Fact: Ligers can't reproduce. I'm sorry for making you all suicidal, but its a fact. Fact: In the future, Ligers will make up the Supreme Court. Fuck you Sonia Sotomayor (Kidding, love that chica!). Fact: Lony the Liger as a cereal spokesperson has been banned in 27 countries because of prejudice against interanimal relations and indecent exposure. Now that you know all you need to know about these wondrous beasts, I shall let you in on a little secret. Now, you have to promise not to tell... anyone. I am 2/6 Liger. Don't believe me? Ask me to see my tail next time you see me. Oh, and you should hear my magnificent roar. It's considered top notch in the roar department, ask Roar Specialist Rory Rawrstein. To top it off, a picture:

What the What?

Oh wondrous people of the internet. It is so nice to see you here. I hope your day has been fine and dandy. So let's get cracking shall we? What shall we get cracking about? I don't know, you don't know, none of us know. I just looked up and saw my Voldemort poster which resides on the ceiling and boldly states "You Will Lose Everything" and for a second there I thought I was gonna lose everything. What a shame that would be. I think it's about time Diet Coke changes their can design, I've been looking at the same Silver and Red everyday for about as long as I can remember. Why don't they make it like neon Blue and Green, that would just fill my life with joy. Any of you bright-eyed fellas ever read "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close"? It's a wonderful, supertastic book and when I rant like this it reminds me of Oskar. I love that kid. Sometimes I wonder if the same color I see is the same as what everyone else sees. Like what if my Purple is someone else's Orange? That would be freaky and awesome. I love when people call other people "kooks." I'm gonna start calling people that. It's such a great word, Don't you agree? I agree. I wonder what I shall title this nonsensical blog post. Hmm... Any ideas? No? Okay, I'll move on then. I love when you eat or smell something a lot when you are watching or doing a particular thing and then it always reminds you of that thing. For instance, whenever I watch the show "Dead Like Me" I always seem to eat dried seaweed. So, now, whenever I eat dried seaweed, it reminds me of that fantastical show. Mmm, I wish I had some seaweed right now. I wonder what color shirt I'll wear tomorrow. Right now I'm wearing a Baby Blue shirt, how monumentally thrilling is that?!? In the past week I have watched The Breakfast Club, St. Elmo's Fire, and Pretty In Pink. How 80's-tastic am I? Oh man, how I wish Lost was on sooner than January. You know how much I wish that? How much is the biggest wish? Whatever that is, it's about ten times more than that. Yeah, I'd say that's about right.

Okay you Kooks, it's time for me to go. Wallawallabingbang!

Some Amazingly Fun Super-Activities!

Here are a few things that would just be a world of fun!

Living in a place where a monotone voice announces everything you do in the first person. It could be called the Film Noir house.

Riding on the back of a Griffin. That would be so incredibly thrilling and mythical.

Being able to be a character in any movie and live the span of the movie and be able to be yourself again once the credits roll. I want to do that so bad, I don't even know an adjective to express how much.

Owning a machine that you can type in a flavor, and that flavor Jellybean comes out. Love me some Balsamic Vinaigrette Jellybeans!

Me being in charge of designing what Google looks like for certain holidays. Christmas would be decked out!

Having a costume of one of the Wild Things from Where the Wild Things Are.

A world where I don't make typos. What an overwhelming relief that would be! Typos be stressing me out!

Going on an adventure through space and time.

Having a Wizard duel. I would flawlessly win of course.

Being a majestic Horse galloping through luscious Green fields. It's sounds boring at first, but imagine if you were an Orange Horse!

Being able to just say things and have them be written down or typed. Everything would just move so efficiently faster.

Having a Leprechaun always perched on my shoulder making wise cracks about everyone I see and interact with.

Conducting intricate mind games on unknowing average people from a super awesome little room with cameras and a loud speaker to talk to them, the winner would get a Pony! I know this one sounds a tad creepy but you know you so want to be in that room with me saying indirect, mysterious riddles.

Okay, that is enough for now, I'm gonna go find that Leprechaun.