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Saturday, June 4, 2011
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Cellar Door ... Rood Rallec
Hello! The sortable diction of the press is far more surmountable than any other junction pertaining to the former when evaluating the uniqueness of a winner and the bluntness of a loser.
Yes, so that's that.
Okay. Let's imagine this: A human-like creature that stands at 3 and a half feet short with illuminated green skin pigment. He carries a knapsack filled with orbs made of crystal and his voice is rather squeaky. He speaks in a dialect that sounds part swift Russian, and part modern day text language. He wears an electric blue bowler hat with two unearthly feather-like objects sticking out the brim. He has sad eyes but a beaming smile. He is eating a yellow cupcake.
Now, what shall we dub this peculiar creature?
Mortimer? Morty and/or Mort for short?
Mordecai? Eh, that's a little similar to that last suggestion. Let's stray from M for now, yeah?
Serpentine Klemin the bold and brave? Nah, too wordy.
Lazaris? No... he isn't the byproduct of a 1960's hippie and a medieval elf... Or is he?
How about something with a Z... Zade, or maybe Zorm... Yepp, Zade it is.
Let's rejoice. I think he likes to bake peanut butter cookies on the weekends.
...
Yes, so that's that.
Okay. Let's imagine this: A human-like creature that stands at 3 and a half feet short with illuminated green skin pigment. He carries a knapsack filled with orbs made of crystal and his voice is rather squeaky. He speaks in a dialect that sounds part swift Russian, and part modern day text language. He wears an electric blue bowler hat with two unearthly feather-like objects sticking out the brim. He has sad eyes but a beaming smile. He is eating a yellow cupcake.
Now, what shall we dub this peculiar creature?
Mortimer? Morty and/or Mort for short?
Mordecai? Eh, that's a little similar to that last suggestion. Let's stray from M for now, yeah?
Serpentine Klemin the bold and brave? Nah, too wordy.
Lazaris? No... he isn't the byproduct of a 1960's hippie and a medieval elf... Or is he?
How about something with a Z... Zade, or maybe Zorm... Yepp, Zade it is.
Let's rejoice. I think he likes to bake peanut butter cookies on the weekends.
...
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Shmegag!
So today, this glorious glorious day, I am going to ask myself a very simple question or two and then try try to give the most long-winded answer I can manage. Here we go!
Oli sir, what art thou's favorite color?
Well, that is a very intriguing and intricate question my dear questioner, are we just considering the simple rainbow or perhaps going deep into the fantastical colors thought up by the master brains at Crayola? Let's keep it simple. Folks, let's review: There's that dastardly Red, the first, most pompous hue, then Orange, too bright for my taste but the correlating fruit is quite a delicious little shmegag. Wouldn't you so cleverly agree? I bet a thousand galleons that you would. Then yellow, I just don't get that tool, but I guess it's kinda cool sometimes if you're into that kinda thing. Green, so wonderful you are, let's hangout sometime soon. Blue, aw man, you're one class act sir. Purple, so charismatic you are! Kudos to you! Now that we have reviewed thoroughly enough, let's consider what the genders of these colors might be.... Red is definitely male. The jock type. Dates that bimbo Pink. Orange is the sensitive musician guy, is in a serious relationship with the neo-hippie, clothes making Yellow. Green is the smart, studious, honors student who is secretly having an affair with her math teacher, Off-White. Blue is the quirky writer who listens to music that no one else really understands and is harboring a secret crush on Turquoise. Purple is the sasstastic, outspoken, brutally honest girl who only has a couple, equally intimidating friends. But anywho, to answer your question I have thoroughly and deeply considered it and have finally chosen... Blue.
What's a way you would like to say goodbye?
Good day, see you later, until next time, on the morrow, au revoir, toodaloo, I'm leaving for now, goodbye...
Oli sir, what art thou's favorite color?
Well, that is a very intriguing and intricate question my dear questioner, are we just considering the simple rainbow or perhaps going deep into the fantastical colors thought up by the master brains at Crayola? Let's keep it simple. Folks, let's review: There's that dastardly Red, the first, most pompous hue, then Orange, too bright for my taste but the correlating fruit is quite a delicious little shmegag. Wouldn't you so cleverly agree? I bet a thousand galleons that you would. Then yellow, I just don't get that tool, but I guess it's kinda cool sometimes if you're into that kinda thing. Green, so wonderful you are, let's hangout sometime soon. Blue, aw man, you're one class act sir. Purple, so charismatic you are! Kudos to you! Now that we have reviewed thoroughly enough, let's consider what the genders of these colors might be.... Red is definitely male. The jock type. Dates that bimbo Pink. Orange is the sensitive musician guy, is in a serious relationship with the neo-hippie, clothes making Yellow. Green is the smart, studious, honors student who is secretly having an affair with her math teacher, Off-White. Blue is the quirky writer who listens to music that no one else really understands and is harboring a secret crush on Turquoise. Purple is the sasstastic, outspoken, brutally honest girl who only has a couple, equally intimidating friends. But anywho, to answer your question I have thoroughly and deeply considered it and have finally chosen... Blue.
What's a way you would like to say goodbye?
Good day, see you later, until next time, on the morrow, au revoir, toodaloo, I'm leaving for now, goodbye...
Monday, January 4, 2010
World Peace! Abooga-Booga!
FIrst post of the new year everyone! The new decade! That's pretty fricking exciting. It's Sir Isaac Newton's birthday today! In honor of that I shall write a story about science.
Here we go...
The morning of the 15th was sunny, perhaps a little overcast. Not a particular day for a miracle. But Dr. James Hookerhopper was going to make it one. After testing peace potions number 1 through 49 he had finally perfected it. On this day he planned to unleash peace potion number 50 and finally bring what thousands of miss America's had wished for. World peace. Part 1 of the unleashing plan was to find the highest point he could discover. Dr. J scoured the world in search of it, and then one fateful day he decided on the tip top of the Empire State Building's spike. He started the long climb up, peace potion in hand, and after several almost life ending falls, he made it, standing on the tip of his tippy toes, he moved on to part 2: Releasing the peace into the world! He outstretched his arms, took the stopper out of the top, and smashed the bottle with a tiny mallet that he brought along.
And all was forever peaceful.
Here we go...
The morning of the 15th was sunny, perhaps a little overcast. Not a particular day for a miracle. But Dr. James Hookerhopper was going to make it one. After testing peace potions number 1 through 49 he had finally perfected it. On this day he planned to unleash peace potion number 50 and finally bring what thousands of miss America's had wished for. World peace. Part 1 of the unleashing plan was to find the highest point he could discover. Dr. J scoured the world in search of it, and then one fateful day he decided on the tip top of the Empire State Building's spike. He started the long climb up, peace potion in hand, and after several almost life ending falls, he made it, standing on the tip of his tippy toes, he moved on to part 2: Releasing the peace into the world! He outstretched his arms, took the stopper out of the top, and smashed the bottle with a tiny mallet that he brought along.
And all was forever peaceful.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
A Heartwarming Masterpiece of Unbeknownst Genius (Oh the Modesty!)
Hello! Twist and shout! How nice it is to see all your bright faces once more! Riddle me this: What are two things that you thought you would never see intertwined to make one beautiful masterpiece? I bet I can guess.
Me flying a remote-controlled helicopter and the first 98 seconds of Andrea Bocelli's "Time to Say Goodbye"
I present to you good people, an unprecedented look at what that would be like...
Why doth I use my iPhone for this? How moronic of me.
Me flying a remote-controlled helicopter and the first 98 seconds of Andrea Bocelli's "Time to Say Goodbye"
I present to you good people, an unprecedented look at what that would be like...
Why doth I use my iPhone for this? How moronic of me.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
That Dastardly Bunny
Hello! Have seen you in awhile, have I? Nope, I don't think so. So hello my friends, I hope thou art well. This just in: It's Christmas eve! A Christmas story to follow shortly...
So Santa's best friend, the Easter bunny, who's real name is Jack, was having a rough year. His wife of 516 years, the tooth fairy decided that she wasn't that into rabbit's with chicken fetishes, so she up and left, his Costco supply of eggs had finally run out, and he had a falling out with the chocolate God and was frantically searching for a new beloved sweet. Santa wanted to cheer his oldest of friends up so he decided to let ol' Jack take over his holiday. Feeling elated for the fist time since Jesus had his comeback, Jack came to the workshop and started telling all the elves not to make toys anymore, "That nonsense is overrated." he said, "from now on, you shall all be taking any egg-like thing you can find and coloring it like madmen." With Santa on vacay, the helpless elves were forced to do the monotonous and un-merry task. Come Christmas eve, the furry bastard had replaced the reindeer with chickens and painted the sleigh bright purple. He hoped in it and took off. Every damn house he flew over, he would just drop a few of his ill colored eggs and be done with it.
On Christmas morning, when thousands of cheery families awoke to greet the joyous day, they all discovered that their houses had been egged!
And so I say to you: never trust a guy who eats to much chocolate.
So Santa's best friend, the Easter bunny, who's real name is Jack, was having a rough year. His wife of 516 years, the tooth fairy decided that she wasn't that into rabbit's with chicken fetishes, so she up and left, his Costco supply of eggs had finally run out, and he had a falling out with the chocolate God and was frantically searching for a new beloved sweet. Santa wanted to cheer his oldest of friends up so he decided to let ol' Jack take over his holiday. Feeling elated for the fist time since Jesus had his comeback, Jack came to the workshop and started telling all the elves not to make toys anymore, "That nonsense is overrated." he said, "from now on, you shall all be taking any egg-like thing you can find and coloring it like madmen." With Santa on vacay, the helpless elves were forced to do the monotonous and un-merry task. Come Christmas eve, the furry bastard had replaced the reindeer with chickens and painted the sleigh bright purple. He hoped in it and took off. Every damn house he flew over, he would just drop a few of his ill colored eggs and be done with it.
On Christmas morning, when thousands of cheery families awoke to greet the joyous day, they all discovered that their houses had been egged!
And so I say to you: never trust a guy who eats to much chocolate.
Monday, December 21, 2009
9 Cringe Worthy Facebook Statuses
Here are some of the most common and certainly most annoying Facebook statuses you have, and will encounter:
1. Noun and <3 (Oli Apstein is movies <333)
First of all, no one cares. Second, why the extra 3's? Is it some kind of freaky mutant heart? What's with the fucked up fragmenting? Why can't you just say "I *less than 3* movies?
2. Excessive letters (Oli Apstein is my friendsss are so awesomeeeeee)
Shut up. Anyone who tolerates that is most likely not an awesome friend.
3. Acronyms (Oli Apstein is OMG watching the grinch stole christmas LOL LOL)
This, is my ultimate dislike in humanity. High up there with the despicable likes of "legit" and "epic fail". Are you really laughing out loud? No. You aren't. You are just being an idiot.
4. Vague inside jokes (Oli Apstein is that party was like totally fish sticks lol Sarah and Kevin)
Sarah and Kevin are the only people in the entire universe who even remotely care. Why speak this publicly to about 500 people. They're annoyed, curious, and they think you're a tool.
5. Quotes among friends. (Oli Apstein is "Is that a tiny cake?" - me. "No, that's definitely a cupcake" - Kevin)
Even when I take the time to read these I find myself disliking the person more and more.
6. Song lyrics (Oli Apstein is "I'm Made of bones of the branches The boughs and the brow-beating light")
You probably don't even know what this means and just want people to think you are deep. And to those people who post numerous different stanzas, I find myself wanting to find the song writer just so I can befriend him/her and eventually have him/her comment on the status saying it means something totally different then what this person thought it did. Who's with me?
7. Improper Grammar. (Oli Apstein is Oh my god Bob your so cool that you went to there party.)
Beofre you go and boldy state something to all of your "friends" make sure that you are able to tell the difference between a contraction and a possessive. Go to a library, find a dictionary, and look up there, their, and they're. Then come back and tell us "What's on your mind?".8. Ungodly Spelling errors. (Oli Apstein is Skool was so hard today, hope tomarrows beter.)
Get a life.
9. Abbreviating to save time I assume. (Oli Apstein is 2day was sch a gd day. I luv life.)
The worst one of this category is when these horrible, horrible people say "wait" as "wate." That's the exact same amount of letters. You should not be allowed to be around any sort of writing or scribing tool.
That is all. I have never had so many red squiggles.
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