The Demanding Soul of Giant Stars

Hallo! That's hello is German, don'tchya know? how awesome possum is that? Pretty possum. When I first wrote that dang-nabbit sentence I somehow wrote "That's German in French." How fucked up is that? Pretty darn messed up. Come to think of it, what is German in French? Have no fear! The translator be here! Allemand. That's a pretty cool sounding word. If I was French, I would take a trip to Germany and say that word like it ain't nobodies business! I present to thee, a dilemma. You are the sun's one and only sunglass buyer. Every time he wants a different sort of type or color or brand, you have to immediately rush out to the nearest sunglass emporium and fetch them for him. Then you have to get in your ultra tinted spaceship that you are forced to rub down with SPF 50 every other day and head on up to the bright little bastards beckon. And on this particular trip he says to ya, he says "Hey *insert your name here* I have decided that sunglass are kind of über lame and I think my new in-thing should be mitten wearing. So throw that old fashioned junk away and go to the damn mitten store, ya hear!" With a lowly sigh of compliance you start walking back to your sun-screen smothered space-ship. A startling fact presents itself in your brain: Don't I have a life-stopping fear of mittens? Don't I throw up from fear every time I go golfing? (Golfers wear gloves, right?) Didn't you lose your right pointer finger last winter in at the South Pole because the thoughts of those hand-shaped cloth fuckers scares you to next March? Yepp, all those things are true.

What the hell are you gonna do in this situation!? Your boss the sun is a gosh darn prick and will force you to anyway. You hate martians, so you can't flee to Mars. What are ya gonna do? Damn those Martians for never using coasters! It'll leaving a fricking mark!

Personally I'd gain alliance with that suave dude The Moon.

The Ice is on Fire!

Hey! How great is it to see me? So great I bet. SO great! So anyway, I was thinking, and what wonderful, coagulated thoughts they were, that today I should find a photo or drawing and make a story out of it! It shall be a marvel of great consideration! I'm gonna head on over to Google images and type in some words that pop into my head. I'll tell you the winning words in a moment... I typed the word "robot" and was about to type something else absolutely awesome and before I could even think of it, this little gem presented it's fine self, one of the top suggested searches fro robot something was "Robot Dragon". That sounded so overwhelmingly fascinating and wonderful that my hand could not click it fast enough. This is the keeper that I stumbled upon... On with the story...

Now I think his name is Gregory Finklestein and he lives in a nice little cottage by the local river. He has a Martian Otter wife named Martha and three kids who are 1/4 Robot, 1/4 Dragon, 1/4 Otter, and 1/4 Martian. Their name's are Tommy, little Johnny, and Cindy. On Sundays they enjoy going to a nearby park and having a family picnic. Sometimes they invite a close family friend of theirs, uncle Oscar the vampire Phoenix. So one day Gregory went for a walk to think his deep thoughts. Along his walk he said hi to all his friendly neighbors and he eventually reached a pleasant little forest. Upon entering the forest, his lifetime rival, Joe the space Penguin entered. They immediately gave each other the supreme glare of glares. They proceeded to do so for the next 6 months. After doing so, clouds started to fill the sky, which normal happens in this situation, and Gregory felt like looking cool, so he make chest red and got in a cool little stance move.

The end.

The Eagle Flies at Half Past Midnight

I got nothing. NOTHING. NO THING. THING? No. There isn't any. None? Yeah none things. Nada. You know that thing everything? Not even close. Actually the opposite. Things aren't here. Where are they? Things...are you out there? Come here. Then we'll have something. Some of the thing. Things? Yeah, some.

Who the fuck did that? Some crazy lunatic bitch. Get her out of here, stat. You know what's so much better than strawberries? Nothing. I love killing my best friend by means of strawberries. Therefore, they're the supreme fruit, ya hear? Okay say this: Apples are kind of okay too, but you know what? They suck. Succotash on them balzacs. Expecto Patronum! Whoa, I mistaked you for a dementor back there. The color green is kinda cool, but I like that guy blue better. His overwhelming aloofness really puts me in my place. I like it when my colors take control. Rawr. What do these four animals make you think of: a Serpent, a Lion, an Eagle, and a Badger. Hogwarts bitchez! If you didn't say Hogwarts, then Avada Kedavra! Do the Devil and the King of the Sea have the same instrument of power? One's a trident, one's called a pitchfork. If you ask me, they look fucking identical. They both get the job done, I suppose. Let's move on. Like the seasons, lets change suddenly. Lets talk about coffee. I wish I drank that shit. It look like fucking great shit. So that Starbucks is a big cash cow, eh? They should really consider spreading some of that money milk around to those hobos and shit. Are you getting as annoyed as I am? I suspected as much. That Sherlock Holmes sher-liked suspecting stuff. Did he ever die? If he did, then I'm gonna make like him and be gone.

Peach out!

3 Cokes!

3. I had this page open eagerly awaiting for something to happen. And after about 5 minutes of nothing, I looked up and that was there. Just 3. What could it mean? How old I am? How many ounces of water I have drunken in 3 hours? How many crazy pills Lady Gaga takes each morning? Oh wait... that's 3 hundred. Isn't that just a barrel laughs? A whole damn barrel. So the other day I was reading the old news gazette again, like I usually do on Thursday evenings, and I saw an add for Vanilla Coke. And I thought to my vivacious little self "What the frickity frock happened to that delicious little miracle? It was here for so long making sure every little Coke fiend like myself got their hands on it and then one day it left us without even a goodbye wink. I want my wink!" I also instantly wanted a glass of that miracle elixir and damned those sorry sacks who said "y'know what? How about let's take this king of drinks, this marvel of mayhem flavor and rip it from the grasp of the world when it needs it most."
Fuck those guys.

A Tale of Great Wonder

I typed in "best drawing" in Google images and this picture was on the first page of results:

My thoughts on the bird on the right: I bet he came from a wealthy bird family that lived in the high upper parts of birdville. "I live among them, but I am not one of them." he would say because he hated the ritzy life. Consumerism and social status were as meaningless to him as a water cooler to a fish. One thing that his "good people" family always kept as a strong tradition was the act of sticking their beaks high in the air whenever someone they considered unworthy came into their sight. His brother Truman would roll in the joy of doing it, but ol' Evan would never succumb to such prearranged rudeness. One day, Evan met the bird on the left, Patrick. The most humble, intelligent, and loyal bird you ever would have laid your peepers on. He haled from the bad side of the tracks and worked as a beak polisher. (Ironically, Evan's father's favorite beak polisher to use.) Once acquainted, Evan and Patrick became fast friends. They were never seen apart. Evan was ignored by his family due to his "bad taste" and Evan was given the cold shoulder by his for hanging out with a bird of such rude and discriminating upbringing. But one day, Evan and Patrick had the biggest of falling outs. Evan thought they should fly one direction, Patrick thought another. They didn't speak the rest of that day, or the next, or the next after that. After several years of no communication they reunited and Evan flipped up his beak in disapproval. Patrick rolled his eyes.

The moral of the story is!: It does not do any good to make mountains out of very small molehills.

The Chamber of Secrets Has Been Opened, Enemies of the Heir Beware

I have been getting quite bored with those average, everyday computer colors so I inverted them and now things are going swimmingly! Okay so here's a situation: You're on plane. (Great start, right?) and the plane is going the regular plane speed and all so you know that it's going fast, and then you stand up in the middle aisle and jump. Now I've heard otherwise, but don't you think that you should rapidly get thrown backwards? I don't know, go ask a physicist. So what if there was a balloon man? He would have a regular body and all but his head would be a big blue balloon! And he would be able to change the size of his balloon on a whim. Sometimes, just for kicks and giggles, ya know, he would make his balloon so massive that he would start to hover. One time I tell ya, he got so angry at his Goldfish for not going in the little toy castle that he bought him that he started making his balloon grow... and grow.... and grow! So eventually he was floating by Saturn and saw a friendly little Space-Penguin. "How delightful!" He thought to himself, and a delightful thing it was. But after all he realized that his Fish never really liked him in the first place and he needed to come to terms with that. The other day I met this balloon man and he told me that sometimes he wishes that his balloon was Orange, not Blue. Sad for him, right?

Which would you rather be roommates with, the Basilisk form the Chamber of Secrets, or Nessy? Personally I would choose Nessy because I am tragically petrified of being petrified. But I do hear that the Basilisk makes a mean grilled cheese. On second thought I hate grilled cheese, I still choose the big N monster. But I also hear that Nessy never hangs his towels back up after using them and I don't think I could live with that. I choose Bassy. Oh, this just in, the Basilisk doesn't allow fans. They apparently disturb his sleeping. He lived in a damp, cold, basement face statue that doesn't seem very well kept. I bet that thing gets mold. Y'know what? The hell with em' both!

Hey folks.... That's all.

Abang-shoo-bop!

ROAR!

Okay, quiz time! Are you ready? Are you frickin ready?!? Okay, let's go. Do you think that roar came from...

A.) A Lion?

B.) A Dragon with a hankering for strawberry ice cream with caramel fudge, who's trapped in a strictly non-caramel arena?

C.) A Tiger named Phillip?

or D.) A space-monster who is rapidly catapulting towards Earth with not even a hint of what this peculiar blue-green planet is?

Answer time! Oh wondrous answer time, oh how long I doth waited for thee. It's a trick answer! It's none of them... but then again, it's all of them. Think about. Think about it good and long. "The Life and Times of a Porcupine: The Prickly Story." Would you read that book? I sure as hell would. In fact, I'd read it twice over, I'd probably even take a plane to go to the forest that the porcupine lives in so I could go to a book signing. I would even boycott the bestselling page-turner "The Misadventures of a Penguin: The Flightless, Cold as Fuck Story." Yepp, that's exactly what I'd do. And I'd do it with the utmost pride too! So the other day I was thinking. End of story. I bet you thought I was gonna say something after that but I guess today is not your lucky day. Your unlucky day if you will. If you could be only one of the elements, which one would you choose? Personally, I'd choose water. Water is just so much more personable and fun-loving than fire, and so much more intuitive and knowing than that pest wind. And don't even get me started on how needy earth is. That guy even makes you check in with him when you're taking a shower! I says to the guy, I says to him, "don't you have cracks to be shaking or something?" one time I even showed him where San Andreas was, he just asked me if I still loved him. What a tool those guys are. That water is the only decent one of the bunch! Kudos H2o!

Farewell, until tomorrow meets us, bright and beautiful...

Hablaaa

One side of the button that you click with is making a horrible ticking sound and it's like a little mouse running across my laptop squealing "fuck you!" every time I go to click on something. Mice can be such assholes, ya know?

How do you suggest I go about fixing this predicament...

(Better, longer blog posts soon I hope.)

A Note of Worth

The meaning of life is....

(To Be Continued)

The Greatest Treasure of Yeekabaka

My computer is running on reserve battery power so I'm gonna try to get this in quick. Hello, how are you? I hope you're good because that would be great! So what else is going on, seen any good movies lately? I have not, but I hope you have. Y'know, to keep my computer going for a few more minutes I'll turn the brightness way down.... Oh man, now I can barely see any of this now that that's the opposite of a bonus... What's the opposite of a bonus? A downus? It's a real downus. One day the king of the Seahorses was swimming his merry way along the seashore when he noticed a far off shiny object, so naturally he approached it. Upon ultimate arrival he realized that the aforementioned shiny pice of novelty was in fact a powerful diamond form the planet Yeekabaka, (I can't even begin to explain how he knew that) which is a very important artifact of importance, so he picked it up, telekinetically of course, and whisked it away to bring it to the leader of the Finders In Nefarious Dealings (or FIND) for further examination. Once Fred of FIND had fully and completely looked it over, he decided that FIND should keep in their custody for safe-keeping (Keep in mind what the N stands for). The King respectfully agreed and went home to his usual dinner of pea soup and Coke-a-Cola Zero. But Fred was up to a lot more than just safe-keeping, he was prepared to harness the diamond and take over the world, Fred was really into clichés so he saw this as the only option. But before the fearless leader of FIND could execute his plan, a lowly secretary of FIND had had enough with being bossed around and made fun of by all his co-workers so he went right up to Fred and punched him square in the face, knocking Fred unconscious. Fred was left incapacitated so long that the diamond vanished, a regular thing for these sort of special objects to do without attention. And Fred rued the day he ever was indecent to a lowly lower-management.

Good day!

The Menace Behind the Mystery

The so-and-so was in a loveless marriage with the so-and-so, so she decided to so-and-so with so-and-so and so-and-so got very mad and told so-and-so to so-and-so! And oh what a so-and-so it was! And then all was so-and-so.

That was such a great story! I really used every last drop from my creativity well for that one! You know when you drop something and somehow it ends up about a mile from where you dropped it? I hate that. It is such a perplexing phenomena. But don't get me devastatingly wrong, I do not buy in to the conspiracy that these events are mere coincidence, I think the force behind this is far more nefarious. I believe that whenever a person tells a little white lie that eventually turns into a big black lie, a tiny little creature called a Zinoway, scurries to the current residence or location of this person and waits around all day (but do not worry about the Zinoway becoming bored because Zinoways all have iPhones and are very good at picking out fun applications) for the person to accidentally, or purposefully drop something. Once the thing is dropped, the Zinoway quickly picks up the distraught dropped item and swiftly moves it to a ridiculously distant area. Those Zinoways are pesky little fuckers!

So don't go telling lies now, ya hear?

The Encounter of the Threshold

I quite liked the thing I did yesterday, ya know with the picture and the story and the whatnot? So I was thinking, and what great thoughts they were, that today I shall take 2 random words, type them into Google images, pick an image from the first page, and then write a story about it! Marvelous, I know. So how shall I go about choosing the 2 words? For the first one how about I point randomly at my English homework that I've just finished and what ever word I land on shall be my first word... The first word is "encounter" pretty exciting, huh? And for the second word I shall pick a word from the first document in my documents folder... The oh so random second word shall be "threshold". Okay! now to find the picture and let the story proceed...

In a world called Bluesockland there lives a group of brave people who spend most of their time finding ominous and mysterious looking places and then proceed to stand in them and try their best to absorb all the creepy glows and oddly fogged shadows. Sounds pretty darn fun, right? Right. Oh! And I almost forgot to mention that these people, let's call them Sockeys, look exactly like humans except for one small thing. They all have lights protruding from the top of their heads. Pretty intriguing I must say! So one day, the wife of the president of Bluesockland was wanting to do more than host dinner parties for the Prime Minister of Redsockland, or make phony small talk with the Greensockland's Chief of Staff, so she decided to leave the Blue House and go find an eerie place to ponder. So she got in her super special secret hover craft and took off into the night. (At least I think it was night... It could've been mid-day) She knew exactly the place to go, she had passed by it many-a-time on her long walks along the edge of town. It was a tiny island in the middle of the Bluesockland river that was covered in sand but had one gigantic rock raising higher than the tallest skyscraper in Yellowsockland, which was known for it's wonderfully tall buildings. She turned on the submarine feature of her hovercraft and dived down. Under the river's surface she saw a rare Duck-billed Fauxipaux (which is kind of like a Seahorse but really big with a Lion's tail, and of course a Duck-bill) and she was just about to run out of fuel when she resurfaced and was at the massive rock's threshold. She put on her "No-noise shoes", which she had just gotten in the mail yesterday, on and crept inside. In all her memory she had never smelled such a smell, but if she was absolutely forced to describe it, which I'm doing now, she'd have to say it smelled sort of like someone took precisely 3 cinnamon sticks, dipped then in homemade vanilla frosting, sprinkled orange and purple sprinkles on them and then baked them for 15 and a half minutes. Yeah. That sounds about right. So once inside the aforementioned massive cave, she took a few steps back, took a deep breath, placed her hands on her hips, and took it all in.

Now wasn't that just fantastic?

The Daring Tale of Tobias the Tree-Man

Hi! I came across this picture the other day and I quite enjoy it. So I have decided to conduct a writing of a story to go along with this glorious painting...

Once upon a time in a world far distant from this one, there is a place where the trees quite often enjoy taking the form of humans just for kicks and giggles, ya know? These mischievous trees like to partake in many things, they play board games, they hold dinner parties and book clubs, some less than mature trees sometimes play games of tag, or if they feel so daring, freeze tag. But one thing the trees never ever do, and to be completely honest, is quite frowned upon in the tree community is accidentally, or on purpose, fall in love with one of those dastardly humans. They go out with them plenty, but that is just for their own amusement, none ever so as dare gain a liking to one. In fact, it was a game among the trees to go out with a human and see just how rude you could be without them pointing it out, or telling you so. "Those damn humans hate confrontation." Zacharias Treewood, president of the human trickery club, would always say. But the tale of the evils of the tree people is not the tale I'm telling. Well, actually it starts off that way. So one day in the hustle and bustle of Tree City (The Trees lived in a metropolis. Weird, I know) a young Tree-man by the name of Tobias Leafgood was getting bored with his daily monotonous routine of making sure his branches were not getting too long and so forth, so he decided that he might go on a date with one of those ditzy humans, just to have a little mischievous fun. So he conjured up a date in no-time. (Because in all fairness, he was a dashing Tree-man) and they made plans to have dinner at his favorite restaurant. He picked up the poor unwitting girl at around 6 and they headed to dinner. Once the meal begin, Tobias was revving up all the rudeness he could muster but before he had a chance to unleash it, his lovely date unleashed a storm of her own. A storm of charm, humor, and intelligence that entranced Tobias in a whirlwind of attraction and, even though he wouldn't admit it to himself at the time, love. He immediately swept the woman into his branches, let's say her name is Jennifer and whisked her away to find a place where their love would not be judged. But before the 2 inter-species lovers could reach this isolation they were being swiftly chased by a group of Tree people who were out to ruin their newfound, forbidden love. Jennifer told Tobias that she would keep running and searching and eventually find their paradise and told him that she shall wait for him to ward off the evils of his people and eventually reunite with her. (And now this is the part that the painting portrays) Tobias held Jennifer close to him and told her that he shall make his people understand their love and then he shall come and find her and they shall live together in true love forevermore. And in that moment, they both uttered the 3 promising words "I love you."

Now that was fun, huh? I sure think so!

A Glorious Day!

I got a bed that's about a thosand miles high and that's totally awesome. I also finally got my Hogwarts letter! I've been waiting on that sucker for 4 years now! I'm gonna Expelliarmus the shit out of that place! Can someone say Quidditch star! Yepp, this guy right here can because he's gonna be one! Oh yeah.

I had a different picture with my name and everything but this one is much mich better and cooler I think. Kudos Me!

One Perplexing Question of Absurdity

If a Blue duck quacks in an empty pond, does it even make a sound?
Think about it.

Thank God the Moon Didn't Explode

Goodbye! How is not the person slightly adjacent to you? Bad I not assume.

How's that for the opposite of opposites? Pretty okay shmokay if I do say so myself. Oh my! So what's up with that whole Nasa shooting the moon thing, that was nut-balls, huh? I bet some Nasa intern (I wonder if there is such a thing...) wanted to impress some smart little Nasa worker girl and decided he better go and make some jokes. "Smart girls dig funny guys" the damn bastard thought to himself. So all frickin day long he's been waiting for his moment you know? And so after a day filled with non-impressing, the big boss man at Nasa says "Hey son" which this kid really hates, that guy's not his effing father. He says "would you like to come and sit in on a very exciting and prestigious Nasa meeting that's occurring in a moment?" "Sure thing!" the nice kid says. So once in the meeting this kid, let's say his name is Tommy, he sees that this girl that he is mad crushing on is in attendance. And he gets all nervous and uncomfortable, he starts frantically thinking of any little joke he can grasp. "Dead puppies are funny, right?" he thinks, but immediately cancels the idea. For obvious reasons. So well into the extreme snoozefest of the meeting, the big boss guy suddenly says real loud "Anyone got any out-of-the-box ideas? Tommy immediately raises his hand, ridiculous joke in head, and exclaims "how about we shoot a big missile into the moon?!?" And feeling all cocky out of his damn humor, he glances over at... let's say this little fire-crackers name is Sarah, well he glances over at her to see if she at least is giggling... She isn't. Tommy's sad. So Tommy stops paying attention again. Goes home. Does his usual monotonous night-time routine. Goes to sleep. Wakes up in the morning. Turns out the big boss man takes his opinions to heart.

Hmm... That was fascinating, don'tchya think?

The Sun is Blue and the Sky is Yellow

Hello hello hello friends? Good day! I say good day to you! What do you call a Centaur who likes to read Jane Austen novels? A half Horse, half man creature who enjoys one particular novelist over others! Exactly. My name is Skippidy-doo-da-dee, and I love to climb trees! Geez, this is just the day of wonderful surprises. Right? What? Precisely. MY gum is like the fucking bluest blue you ever blued and I took it and turned it into a magical spiral made of love and goodness and happiness and goodness...

Take note of my Harry Potter doll on the right. Hint: It was actually my left.

See ya later...

I Don't Really Have a Bunny

Hello hello hello.

Goodbye goodbye goodbye.

No subject today, eh?

Nope.

What a darn shame. A tragically darn shame.

Yeah. Well you win some, you lose some, eh?

Eh.

Yeah. I totally get it. So what's new.

Oh, a little of this, a little of that.

Hmm... Seen any interesting looking birds today?

Mmm, not particularly.

Oh. Too bad.

You betchya.

So... Got any pets?

Just a bunny named Ronald the third.

That's pretty super-duper cool. How often do you have to feed it?

Oh. Only like once day.

Interesting. I have a pet Iguana.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay, well goodbye now.

The Tumultuous Journey of One Brave, Brave Space-Penguin

Hi! I just got out of the miraculous shower and I feel funky freshtastastic! So whats up each and every one of you? I hope everything is because that would just be delightful!

Here is the diary of a Space-Penguin traveling around the galaxy in 10 days:

Day 1: I wonder how I am even surviving floating in space with no apparent survival apparatus. Can I really travel the entire Milky frickin' way galaxy in only 10 frickin' days?!? I highly doubt such things. I hope I see Saturn!

Day 2: Y'know, a lot of times in my life I have cursed the big ol' G man for not giving us black and white supposed "avian" creature the darned gift of flight, but in this particular journey, I can honestly say that it would probably cause more trouble than it's worth. Just a thought.

Day 3: Today I was taking a nice long leisurely stroll along the ring of Saturn (Yes, Saturn! Exciting!) and I noticed a far off rotating dot in the distant sky, space, or what have you. And so I approached it. Turns out, it was my best bud Kevin from back home. He's a Koala. True story.

Day 4: Space is boring. Kevin says hi.

Day 5: I shot Kevin. Don't ask. He fucking deserved it.

Day 6: I hope these last 4 days go quick because my supply of granola bars is rapidly diminishing. I hope there's a farmer's market somewhere up here.

Day 7: No farmer's market. Might eat Kevin.

Day 8: Koala meat is quite the delicious meal. No, I kid. I'm not a fucking animal! Oh wait...

On second thought, he does look kind of like he tastes like peanut butter. Where's that jelly tasting Hippo when yo need him? Am I right?

Day 9: Going home tomorrow. I met a martian today! He stole Kevin's body, which for some reason I was keeping.

Day 10: Home-bound! I'm gonna eat a PB&J and avoid my neighbors, Kevin's wife and children. *Sigh*

I hope you liked that!

R.I.P. Kevin Mortimer Pralene III

Nothingness

All of my electronics are rapidly failing on me. I'm surprised that my keyboard is even letting me type this right now... Maybe it will just cut me off at any second, I better find a freaking subject soon! What is a Monkey's favorite food? BANANAS!

This is some grade-A comedy right here, am I right?

I present to you, an ad-libbed story...

Once upon a clandestine time there lived a gargantuan turquoise hybrid of a Dragon and a Lion. This Dragion was named Phosepher. Phosepher was an apprentice to a grand and illustrious Spaceman. This Spaceman often left on long and unknown journeys leaving Phosepher to tend to the many amazing objects that the great Spaceman had invented.

Okay, that story was going nowhere so I'm gonna stop.

Okay bye!

Scroll down to see some post with a little more thought. I'd say about 4, 5, or 6 down would be interesting...

Having A Discussion With Oneself

Namaste! How do you do? I just spent the last 5 minutes chatting with myself on AIM, which I think stands for AOL Instant Messenger, but I just call it iChat. I know some people call it "IM" which I particularly think, for lack of a better word, is stupid. For one thing I always think they are saying I'm, as in I am. But they're not, they're just confusing me and probably countless other people. "I'm having so much fun iming!" What the hell does that mean? Saying I'm? That doesn't sound very fun. So anyway, the riveting conversation between Me and Me went something like this, actually, not something, exactly like this:

Me: Hello!

Other Me: Hello!

Me: How are you dood?!?

Other Me: How are you dood?!?

Me: Well I'm pretty sick, but other than that, can't complain, how's that pet Giraffe of yours?

Other Me: Well I'm pretty sick, but other than that, can't complain, how's that pet Giraffe of yours?

Me: I don't have a Giraffe... That's you...

Other Me: I don't have a Giraffe... That's you...

Me: Y'know what? Fuck you, you know how that subject so tediously pulls at my heartstrings. I'm leaving and don't try to stop me by agreeing.

Other Me: Y'know what? Fuck you, you know how that subject so tediously pulls at my heartstrings. I'm leaving and don;t try to stop me by agreeing.

And then it ended. Other Me was quite repetitive and rude, but that is what I love most about him. His consistency.

Goodbye now...

Brief to the Ultimate Max

Hello. The weather has been on top of me all day so I will make this quite short.

- "A dollar lost is a dollar earned." -

That's inspirational, huh?

Thank Superman!

Hello? Hello?!? HELLO?!? H-E-L-L-O!?!?!?! Oh there you are, thank god. Y'know what? I'm gonna start saying something different than that because I don't really believe in that guy, the big G-O-D. How about... Superman? I love that guy and he deserves a thanks or an oh my every now and then. Or how about Dumbledore? That might work quite well too. Y'know what? I'll make a deal with you, and a great deal it shall be. How about when the time arises to mention the big bearded guy in the sky (Rhyme! That's lovely.) I shall replace whichever of the 2 names feel right at the time. So let's try it out in some situations. Situation 1: I'm walking along a long, chrome, empty corridor reminiscing about times gone by when suddenly the precious ground on which I stand transforms into a trap-door. And I start falling, and when I say falling, I mean falling. Big time. So after about an hour of this illustrious falling I decide that it's about safe enough for me to look down and completely assess this sticky situation. And as I glance toward the black hole that is my seemingly endless fate, I realize something that truly strikes a match of fear in my never-before-been-scared stomach. I could fall forever. Like forever forever. That would not be good. I also consider the theory that I could just be floating in one place and had never been falling in the first place. That is chillingly claustrophobic. So I say to myself, "Self, you can't just sit here singing the theme song to Rocket Power for all of eternity, you need to focus, and get your darn self out of this perplexing predicament. Ooh, nice alliteration. Thanks, you're too kind. So I decide to stop thinking that the thing I'm doing is falling and start thinking that the thing I am doing is landing. And suddenly, like magic, the endless vortex becomes a cloud, high above a mass metropolis. And I say, "Oh my Dumbledore!"

How was that? I think it might work. And now on to situation 2: I'm painting a giant castle whilst standing on a 78.5 feet latter, and the darned thing starts to waver. Out of sheer panic I start to swipe my arms in circles to catch my balance. Does that even work? People always do it but I'm not sure it ever does anything. So the frantically wavering latter suddenly sustains stability again. Miraculous, I know. And so I say "Thank Superman!"

That one worked pretty dandy too. I think I'll start using these as replacements.

Farewell.
Oli

Rock Around the Clock!

First blog post from my phone! How fucking exciting?!? I'm gonna make it short due the death-defying fact that it is extremely tedious to type long things on this technological miracle. So I will just say a few things...

- What the frak is a razmataz?! I've always heard that word but what the hell does it mean?!?

- Who wants to play scrabble with me?!? Yes? Race to the game closet. 3 2 1! I'm gonna get existential and beat you so hard!

- Who wants to go on Judge Judy with me? I could say you stole my pet miniature horse and that you killed and cooked it and served it at one of your illustrious dinner parties and you could say that you saw a regular sized horse beat it to death because it thought it to be inadequate.

- Am I gonna leave because this typing is starting to make my hand all tingly? Yes. Good day!

This Was All Made Up On The Spot, Aren't I Just the Best?

So one day this Blue baby Lion and this Giant Green Lemming (Please take note that said Lemming was not what most would consider "giant" due to the fact that Lemmings are quite small to begin with, but on with the story!) So this Lion and this Lemming, let's say their names are Chester and Rutherford, Chester being the Lion, Rutherford being the Lemming, were walking along a vast and dry Savannah when they encountered a massive pit of lava blocking them from proceeding onward. Naturally, Chester arose the subject of ditching the whole mission all together but Rutherford told him it was far too important and they had already come so far to just leave it all behind like a peep among chocolate bunnies on Easter. Chester reluctantly agreed. So after hours and days and perhaps years of trying to figure out a way across the lava, they noticed that there was a stand only about 10 feet away, widely displaying the words "Lava shoes, pay with an unsolvable riddle" they approached the aforementioned stand and the Basset Hound that ran it. "One unsolvable riddle please" the Hound said. Within that moment Chester stepped in front of the massive dog and uttered the phrase "You may look in the breakfast nook, but you will fail to find the thing I took. So why don't you go stand in the rain, for you will never know my name!" Looking Wholly and thoroughly confused, the Basset Hound said "I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about but it seems you are my five hundred and sixty ninth customer and that means you can have two pairs of lava shoes free of charge, oh! And this rape whistle!" "Well that worked out perfectly, and who doesn't need a rape whistle? Those are very practical!" Rutherford said. So they crossed the mass body of lava with ease and continued on there journey, afterwards Chester discovered that blowing the whistles caused you to disappear and become invisible. "Geez, practicality is quite the visitor today!" Rutherford commented. So they continued their valiant journey and eventually were stopped by a giant sea monster (Now I know that doesn't make much sense but you try to come up with something better instead of just sitting there judging me, ugh, the nerve of you.) After coming to terms with the fact that beating such a creature was out of the realm of possibility, Chester blew the rape whistle. And miraculously Chester and Rutherford made like Jesus and didn't exist! (Ooh, I'm expecting a smiting soon.) As invisible versions of themselves they flawlessly escaped the tyrannical sea monster and reached their much sought after goal. And a wonderful place it was.

Who? What? Where? Why? Walrus? Windmill?

Hello! (He sounds excited, huh? I wonder why, it's probably nothing big. Woah. I'm a cynical alter-ego, how sad.) How are you? Good? Good. (He's definitely opened that way before, way to be original there buddy!) So anyway, I wonder if I have a subject today or if I'll just ramble on nonsensically like usual. So right now I have no subject but maybe if I just keep talking some subject will eventually meet me here. Like Benjamin Button! Get it? Meet in the middle? Hilarious, right? (Not really... It actually didn't even make much sense, unless you're using personification and that's just stupid. You could say until you eventually "think" of a subject but I doubt that'll happen.) Geez, my second voice here is quite the asshole, I wonder what his name is? (My name's John, asshole) Ha! What kind of name is John Asshole? Your parents must have hated you. (Shuttup. Nobody cares.) I still haven't met that subject. CATS! That's a great subject! (Not really.) One thing that's fascinating about cats is that no one really knows the names of the different kinds of cats like they do dogs. Like what are those puffy, white, bitchy one's called? I feel like most of them are named Snowball. Maybe they're called Snowys, I damn hope so! Okay, that subject didn't really get going so I'm just gonna stop. It's sad I know but I have been staring at this nefarious screen idealess for so long that I might just start typing cat over and over again. One more thing: I'm thinking about becoming one of those Youtube vloggers and the best way to go about doing something is follow a trend and do what's most common in that field so I think I think I'll dye my hair black and sit in a dark room and talk about how much I love Twilight and the Jonas Brothers. Oh! And make my username something along the lines of "mzzcullennn666" yeah, I'm pretty sure it's a sure-fire thing people will like me if I do that!

Cat cat cat cat... goodbye!

PS: Was anyone else extremely confused by the whole alter-ego thing? I sure was. Was the parenthesis a whole different guy or me just talking to myself? I don't think that's either here nor there. What?

Mzzzcullennn666 out.

Idiomtastic!

Hello! Is anyone else as monumentally and mind-blowingly as tired as I am? I hope not.

So on this fine evening I shall list some common sayings and add my own little commentary to them. And I'm gonna be as literal as possible so that's wonderful. Sound fun? I think so.

"A picture paints a thousand words" - On second thought, I shouldn't have started with this one seeing as it's one of the rare ones that actually make sense to me, but on second, second thought, it is worded in a way that makes me think of a thousand words painted on a canvas. I wonder what words are on there? I hope "googlethorp" because that is a fantastical word. Actually, on fourth thought, I don't think that is a real word.

"A chip on your shoulder" - A poker chip? A potato chip? An ice chip? I hope it's an ice chip, those are fucking great! *Yay! One point for first blog curse word!*

Referring to something as "A cake walk" - I have no idea what this means but I imagine it's something like a marathon where every few yards or so you are rewarded with cake. How does one go about finding a sign-up sheet for this?

"Apple of my eye" - An Apple is much larger than an eye-socket. An eye-socket is quite smaller than an Apple. I sense a dilemma.

"A piece of cake" - How come these saying and expressions are obsessed with cake? Well on fifth thought, everyone loves cake, why shouldn't they be allowed to be obsessed with cake? How dare you judge them for liking such a delicious treat! You sicken me.

"Back to the drawing board" - Only artists should say this, anyone else should be ashamed to. Too harsh? I think not.

"A cup o' Joe" - I wonder if the guy who invented coffee's name was Joe Smith or John Joe or Joe Joe.

"Dark horse" - I don't know what this one means but I love it. I shall go look it up.

"Dropping like flies" - Do flies die easily? I don't think so... perplexing.

"Over my dead body" - That's just plain morbid. People shouldn't say that.

Okay, now I shall stop. I feel like this could drag on and on. Imagine this: *5 years later: Me, sitting in the same place, looking aged 5 years with an extremely long white beard. "Hmm, raining cats and dogs, that's a good one!"* Okay, now you can stop imagining it.

Well, goodbye now, hope to see you soon!

A Ramble of Extreme Delirium

So right now I'm really not in the typing mood and it reminds me that when I first started this valiant blog that my initial plan was to do a "vlog" every now and then. And by the way, I hate that word vlog, you think the blogging gods could have conjured up something better than just taking the goddamn first letter and switching it! I am unimpressed. So hopefully one of those miscreants will make it's way here soon. So... subject, subject, what shall today's subject be concerning? The meaning of life? No, too pretentious. A list of stuff that deeply annoy me? No, that would go on for days. Watermelons? No, too moist. The barftasticness of hot cheese? Ew, don't talk about that. Okay, now I'm just rambling, let's get to the damn point already. How about... Llamas in pajamas? Sure, I can make something out of that, Llama Llama, in pajamas, don't you love using commas? Actually, I don't think I can make much of that except a nice little poem. So let's move on once more. Going back to that dreaded word, vlog, I really wish I could just post one of those awesome things right now instead of writing all this gloobidy-glop. What? What did I just say? I don't think I'm in my right mind, aren't I supposed to be giving insightful opinions on things? It doesn't feel like I'm doing that... okay... am I doing it now? Close enough, right? Is anyone else confused? This guy sure is! So if you just so happen to read this, could you pretty please comment on it, or write on my Facebook somewhere what you're favorite color and animal are? I'll try to make a "vlog" out of it. And from now on I shall refer to them as "loop-dee-doops", no? Okay, vlog it is dammit!

The Extraordinary 5 Letter Debacle!

So hello! How are you? Good? Good. Actually, I shouldn't be so quick to assume that, you could be awful. If you are indeed awful, you have my deepest condolences. Now let's move on...

I shall conjure up a letter of complete randomness and then proceed to name some things that I love that begin with said aforementioned letter.

Let's get crack-a-lackin, shall we? I'll do about 2 or more things for 5 letters to keep this snappy...

X - Xylophones (more specifically the sounds of the xylophone, kind of like the chocolate of the ears. Oh sweet joy!) Xena Warrior Princess (I don't think I have ever watched an entire episode of that show but I heart that badass bitch.) Okay, that's enough with X, it was mighty hard anywho.

R - Race-car beds (I wish my bed could race other beds. It would always win the Furniture 500.) Rubeus Hagrid (I'm still waiting on him coming through that door with my long-awaited letter from Hogwarts.) Rain... actually... how about we pretend it's gloom for the purpose of my little parenthesis comment to work (Oh gloomy gloom, won't you come back into bloom?)

A - Alliteration (Purple partying penguins from Peru! Tigers tangling tulips on Tuesday in tutus!) Art History (No wait, I hate that. If I loved that I would get A LOT more sleep. *Because it's boring. Wink wink.) Asphyxiation (The word, not the noun. It just sounds so.... intriguing.)

H - *A little sidenote on H: People with Australian accents (People with Australian accents? Why didn't he just say Australians? Idiot.) seem to pronounce this oh so random letter "Hache", pronounced Hay-ch. Sidenote over* Harps (Anyone know how to play one? If you just said "I do" then I'll meet you outside of my house in 10 minutes for a glorious serenade.) Heart (If you hadn't noticed, instead of saying "I love..." or "they love.." I usually say "I heart..." or "they heart.." just to change things up a little bit, I also love the organ, because if that thing wasn't around we'd all be dead and stuff, and nobody likes that.) Harold and the Purple Crayon (I'd do anything to have his amazing powers.) Hedgehog (Sonic, that is.)

U - Uranium (Again, the word, not the cancer causing element.) Underdog (The only thing I really love about this is the tag-line for the movie that came out a couple years ago "One nation, underdog") Up, up, and away! (Just screaming that when I'm home alone.)

C - Cuticles (I'm gonna pick mine after I finish writing this.) Cup-holders (I wish I had one near me right now. Oooh, do you think I can get a race-car bed with cup-holders?!?) Cold beverages (I prefer them so cold that they kind of hurt my throat when I drink them.)

XRAHUC. That's what those 5 letters spell. Interesting, huh? I think it means to express joy over something that is technical and/or figurative. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what it means. Your computer will self-destruct in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...