A Heartwarming Masterpiece of Unbeknownst Genius (Oh the Modesty!)

Hello! Twist and shout! How nice it is to see all your bright faces once more! Riddle me this: What are two things that you thought you would never see intertwined to make one beautiful masterpiece? I bet I can guess.
Me flying a remote-controlled helicopter and the first 98 seconds of Andrea Bocelli's "Time to Say Goodbye"
I present to you good people, an unprecedented look at what that would be like...



Why doth I use my iPhone for this? How moronic of me.

That Dastardly Bunny

Hello! Have seen you in awhile, have I? Nope, I don't think so. So hello my friends, I hope thou art well. This just in: It's Christmas eve! A Christmas story to follow shortly...

So Santa's best friend, the Easter bunny, who's real name is Jack, was having a rough year. His wife of 516 years, the tooth fairy decided that she wasn't that into rabbit's with chicken fetishes, so she up and left, his Costco supply of eggs had finally run out, and he had a falling out with the chocolate God and was frantically searching for a new beloved sweet. Santa wanted to cheer his oldest of friends up so he decided to let ol' Jack take over his holiday. Feeling elated for the fist time since Jesus had his comeback, Jack came to the workshop and started telling all the elves not to make toys anymore, "That nonsense is overrated." he said, "from now on, you shall all be taking any egg-like thing you can find and coloring it like madmen." With Santa on vacay, the helpless elves were forced to do the monotonous and un-merry task. Come Christmas eve, the furry bastard had replaced the reindeer with chickens and painted the sleigh bright purple. He hoped in it and took off. Every damn house he flew over, he would just drop a few of his ill colored eggs and be done with it.
On Christmas morning, when thousands of cheery families awoke to greet the joyous day, they all discovered that their houses had been egged!
And so I say to you: never trust a guy who eats to much chocolate.

9 Cringe Worthy Facebook Statuses

Here are some of the most common and certainly most annoying Facebook statuses you have, and will encounter:

1. Noun and <3 (Oli Apstein is movies <333)

First of all, no one cares. Second, why the extra 3's? Is it some kind of freaky mutant heart? What's with the fucked up fragmenting? Why can't you just say "I *less than 3* movies?

2. Excessive letters (Oli Apstein is my friendsss are so awesomeeeeee)

Shut up. Anyone who tolerates that is most likely not an awesome friend.

3. Acronyms (Oli Apstein is OMG watching the grinch stole christmas LOL LOL)

This, is my ultimate dislike in humanity. High up there with the despicable likes of "legit" and "epic fail". Are you really laughing out loud? No. You aren't. You are just being an idiot. 

4. Vague inside jokes (Oli Apstein is that party was like totally fish sticks lol Sarah and Kevin)

Sarah and Kevin are the only people in the entire universe who even remotely care. Why speak this publicly to about 500 people. They're annoyed, curious, and they think you're a tool.

5. Quotes among friends. (Oli Apstein is "Is that a tiny cake?" - me. "No, that's definitely a cupcake" - Kevin)

Even when I take the time to read these I find myself disliking the person more and more.

6. Song lyrics (Oli Apstein is "I'm Made of bones of the branches The boughs and the brow-beating light")

You probably don't even know what this means and just want people to think you are deep. And to those people who post numerous different stanzas, I find myself wanting to find the song writer just so I can befriend him/her and eventually have him/her comment on the status saying it means something totally different then what this person thought it did. Who's with me?

7. Improper Grammar. (Oli Apstein is Oh my god Bob your so cool that you went to there party.)

Beofre you go and boldy state something to all of your "friends" make sure that you are able to tell the difference between a contraction and a possessive. Go to a library, find a dictionary, and look up there, their, and they're. Then come back and tell us "What's on your mind?".

8. Ungodly Spelling errors. (Oli Apstein is Skool was so hard today, hope tomarrows beter.)

Get a life.

9. Abbreviating to save time I assume. (Oli Apstein is 2day was sch a gd day. I luv life.)

The worst one of this category is when these horrible, horrible people say "wait" as "wate." That's the exact same amount of letters. You should not be allowed to be around any sort of writing or scribing tool.

That is all. I have never had so many red squiggles.

A World of Wonders!

What a wonderful day it is to talk to you! What are all the ways I could express excitement? Let's see...
Yay! (This is the general, overused way of expressing such a profound emotion. How about let's all do society one big favor and every time one of you crazy cats out there are planning on saying this trite bastard, use an alternative. I thank you. We all thank you.)
Hooray! (Another one of those stale worn out ones but still slightly better than that bastard yay. If you are as gracious enough to try and go about replacing yay and after countless hours of racking your brain you find no creative substitute, I will accept the usage of hooray. You're very much welcome.)
Yippee! (Now this one I like. Especially if the word "Skippee" follows it. If you do that, I might possibly consider carrying out a friendship with you... Maybe.)
Woohoo! (Now that's what I call some genuine thrill. All you nogoodniks could learn a goddamn lesson from this guy. Yay cowers in this brilliant man's presence.)
Oh joy! (This is the only specimen so far that expresses any bona fide emotion. All the rest of these sardonic bastards are so remarkably vague. This one has actual joy. Those others can all go revel in their snarky little exciting dwellings.)
Jiminy-Cricket! (This one deserves almighty praise.)
Oh lordy! (This one is particularly enjoyable in a highly over the top southern accent.)
Wowzers! (Oh my I heart thee.)
Peeya! (In proper uses this should be written in all caps and only when one is absolutely shaking with excitement or fury. Kudos peeya.)

Now that was fun, eh?

Child, Please!

And now, I present to you... personification...
So one day Muffin met Pancake and Pancake said in all his witty suaveness "Hey Muffin, nice top!" and Muffin in all his arrogant annoyance responded "Hey Flapjack, don't you have butter to be under or something?" Pancake scoffs. Muffin rolls his eyes.
Salt meets Pepper. "Hey so Pepper, apparently people think we're like totally married or whatever." "I know, OMG it's like totally lame." "I know, right? So like ya wanna go out or whatever?" "Yeah that sounds pretty epic."
Light and Dark were best friends, as you would assume. But unbeknownst to Dark, Light was harboring a strong, secret love for Dark's wife to be, Black. Unbeknownst to all, Black was stuck in a loveless relationship with Dark and was having a passionate affair with White. White was secretly pining after Light. Dark just realized that he's incapable of love.
Someone should call Jerry Springer!

This picture represents two things: Those funky fresh fools Salt and Pepper. And those adulterating bastards White, Black, Light, and Dark.

I'm gonna go beat box my way into Hogwarts!

Man and Squirrel: The Duel of All Duels

Hello and a merry time to all! I have been procrastinating finding a subject for some time now so I think I'll just dive right into it and maybe something (hopefully) will come up.
A man crosses the street into a park.
He spots a nefarious looking squirrel.
The squirrel stares back at him.
A staring duel to death ensues.
7 weeks pass and the squirrel isn't remotely showing signs of forfeiting.
The man curses the animal kingdom. More specifically the rodent family.
A nut-vender passes by the squirrel. His determination over powers his nutty instincts.
A box of Thin Mints drops right next to the man. His need to defeat the squirrely little bastard overpowers his chocolatey instincts.
The man flinches.
The squirrel does not.
A volcano forms and erupts next to them.
The squirrel burns to a crisp.
The man wins by default.
Riddle me this: How come the molten hot lava did not destroy the lowly man?!?
The answer after these messages!
"No-Hair Gel! Ever get so annoyed and fed up with those luscious locks of yours? Is your cushy hair stopping yo from breaking those walls with your head? I bet it is! I've got the solution for you! No-hair gel! Just apply like shampoo and voila! All that infuriating mane will go sayonara sucker!"
And we're back! The answer to the tantalizing riddle is.... The guy has a suit that repels fire! Neato!  

An Average Day

Help! There's a monster behind me! How terrible, am I right? I feel like writing a story based off of a random drawing today! I typed "Beautiful drawing" into Google images and found this breath taker. I wonder what kind of story shall come of this.
(I started out writing this with a lot of gusto but sort of lost interest in the end. What a pity.)

The small town of Wantana Hills' welcome sign had boldly stated "Wantana Hills: What Excitement There is in Calm" since the late 1800's. Local teen Tom Orica thought that was a nice way of saying "Wantana Hills: Boring As All Fuck". Little did the precocious youngster know, he would be the one to put a stop to all that. He began his day in its usual boring way. He got out of his boring bed. He ate his boring cereal. He went off to boring school. Upon arriving at school, he was not greeted by a loud, 26 man orchestra, he was not brought to school by riding on the back of a Giraffe, and he was greeted only by the standard "HelloHowDoYouDoToday?"

After school, he walked home the same route he walked every day, for years and years. When he reached the point where he had to cross the street, he did so. Upon crossing the street, a massive truck started hurtling towards him, faster, faster. It did not seem to care that he was standing in its way, it charged at him with some kind of fury. There was no time for Tom to react in any way. He closed his eyes, happy to go in such an exiting manner. But then, a crash. He opened his eyes. A transparent bubble had formed around him and the gargantuan truck was on the side of the road, looking defeated.

Had Tom created this?

If so, how?

Would this finally bring an end to the doldrums of his life?

!?

Gather all, gather none, gather some.

Here I go, doing something...

What's your favorite punctuation? After much, much consideration I would have to say mine is the exclamation point, or mark. Here it is: !

Some examples of it's usage.

The old man exclaimed, "I once had an affair with Marilyn Monroe!"

His grandson responds, "Gee Paps, you sure are a jokester!"(Sad part is the old bastard ain't kidding! Budom-cha!)

Here are a few examples of my second favorite punctuation, the question mark. (?)

After over hearing his parent discussing something, a small child asks his teacher "Teacher, what does ill-i-jit-a--ment mean?"

Also, a fat man asks his slightly lopsided nosed doctor "Sugar's that good thing, right?"

More In the Future!

It starts with a word. The, for example. Then some more words: Dog and cat. Then a few more: Fell into a forbidden love. Then comes the story.
That was today's lesson in higher learning.
Bottle caps! How do you like dem apples?

A-yada-yada-yada

Hello my valiant friends! What's the big to-do today? Everything you say! Well tally-ho! I say Go Go Go! And a merry time it will show! Merry! It's almost Christmas! Did you bring your top hats and white gloves? Everyone else did. You should go get yours. They miss you. I miss you. The world misses you. How come when I say that THEY miss you or I miss you it's just miss? But if the whole DAMN WORLD feels longing for you it's missES? Why the extra es? Es es es! The mystery of life! 542 is the sum divided by the average of the amount of elves in Scotland reduced by 3 and multiplied by 789. If somebody's favorite word was soul and then some other person's favorite word was mate, would they be a match made in heaven? I think so. Do you think? So? Yeah. I bet.

So anyway goodbye!

Z. Smith: The Survivor Diaries

I want to write a story! Here's a prompt I have conjured!

- After the doomsday, you are the very last survivor. - Let's get cracka-lackin!

Professor Doctor Z. Smith, diary entry number 937.

It has been exactly six years to the day since the giant lollipop monsters invaded my land and destroyed my civilization. There is still no signs of any other living thing alive besides me and my trusty falcon, Zacharias. He has contracted a rare form of Geoplatosynapsis. A disease that shrinks your body slowly until you are so small that you basically aren't alive. He is only an inch wide and tall. I call him BIg now for ironic effect. I still am absolutely terrified every time I see some sort of colorful swirl. Zacharias says hi ya'll. The other day I was taking a stroll along the boardwalk and suddenly I had a flashback: Two giant green and yellow circles on massive sticks standing above me laughing their maniacal, sugar high laugh. Then the flashback fades. A single tear rolls down my face. I go to the local supermarket and burn every last candy just to spite those diabetes causing bastards. The scent of burnt sugar won't leave my senses all day. I long in the feeling of revenge. Sometimes when I'm lonely I watch the Goofy Movie on repeat for hours on end. It let's me forget my candy-stricken troubles.I also watch the food network all day and yell at screen whenever candy is on. I watch Oprah most days. I also have watched every episode of General Hospital.

Goodbye for now diary.

For the Parallels of Fondness

Well well well. We meet again. Scoundrel! Rapscallion! Those seemed like appropriate words to shout at this time. You should all take some time to be grateful for the fact that I do this blog thing every day, because I'm a really important person. I mean, have you seen me? I know it's hard to look sometimes, and you may be forced to shield your eyes, but glory has to be soaked in sometimes. I'm just so goddamn beautiful. It's like someone sculpted me out of ivory. Maybe it was that Pygmalion guy. Enough with the narcissism, lets get down to brass tacks. Oh, you didn't bring any? Well that's quite alright! I've got plenty to spare. One word I would use to describe myself is... majestic. Yeah, that's the one. Take a good, hard look at me. Majestic, no? Once, a gal on the street told me I was like nothing she'd ever seen. Way to go and make a man feel great chiquita banana! You know what my favorite movie of all time is? Napoleon Dynamite. Wow there are some scenes in that shit that I just can't help but be obsessed with. It makes me want to fly over a rainbow and travel to Candyland. And it fills my tummy with gumdrops. Just thinking about it made me feel like lying in a bed of flowers. Oh flowers, sweet flikas. How I love thee and thy sweeteth odors. I wimper as I watch you wither and brown. Oh me oh my, how the time goes by. How clever am I with this rhyming shit? Does the word 'fondle' originate from 'fondness'? Just curious. Raise your hand if your favorite character from Star Trek is Bones! Mine too! You know who I just absolutely completely j'adore?! Miley Cyrus. What a gem. Oh Miles, you silly girl. Alright y'all, time to go spend some time in front of a mirror. *Me time!* Muah!

Marmoset, There'll Be Days Like This. There'll Be Days Like This My Marmoset

PEBBLES! Tiny rocks that are tiny that rule the world. They always trip you. They are small. They can be many colors. They are mini. They can be found in a variety of places. They are miniscule. They are smaller versions of rocks. They are petit. They are a treasure's treasure. They are compact. They give great massages. They tower over dust. They make magic candles work. They are pocket sized. They can make water into wine. They are half pint. They make me feel welcomed when I come over for dinner. They are un-gargantuan. They can make the most bitter people smile the warmest. They are wee. They are the cure for loneliness. They are bijou. They are the love that you live for. They are puny. They are the miracle life and afterlife. They are undersized. They are your go-to guy. They are pygmy. They are the makers of rainbows. They are miniature. They are your soul-guider and misguider. They are little. They make Giraffes cry when no one else can. They are the opposite of big. They are a hoot and a half. They are the thing that is not huge. They are a baker's dozen. They are an ant's equal. They are the most loving creature. They are like so totally not large. They are such a card. They are teeny. They are a real mensch. They are humble in a size kind of way. They are life. They are as tall as something not tall. They are love.

A Story From Awhile Back

Hello world! I was just perusing though my documents and I have this little story I wrote awhile ago that I would like to share with you now...

10753 Siber Avenue is a place that always seems to be in need of redecorating. It is also a place that I unfortunately call home. When I was 10 my Aunt decided that it was time for a change, she was like that, if something started to feel comfortable, or at all routine, it was in need of a swift and orderly change. So when we had been living in a small village by the name of Roterie just a little over a month, she decided, as she always did after 30 days or so, we needed a move. Swift and orderly. She found the town of Transit in a newspaper ad for an apartment to rent on the Tuesday of our third week in Roterie. Transit was quite the parallel to the village of Roterie. Unlike the quaint warm woods and cabins, Transit was a never sleeping, hustle and bustle filled metropolis riddled with skyscrapers and questionable character. One day, when the conformity was reaching a breaking point for her, she up and called the contact number listed in the newspaper clipping. The receiver of the call picked up after eight long rings, this annoyed my Aunt to no end. “This better be fucking important!” anxiously answered the landlord. “Excuse Me?”, my mother said in her annoying fake phone voice. “Oh sorry lady, the neighbor kids have been harassing me all fucking day with nonsense phony phone calls!” My Aunt, once again in that obnoxious tone said “No need to worry, I have a boy of my own, I know how rowdy children can be.” Two things about this were extremely irritating to me, for one, she did not “have” me, her sister did. She was always trying to take credit where credit was not due. Second, she uses words that a fifties housewife would use, like “rowdy”. My Aunt was not born in the twenties and had never even fathomed the thought of marriage. “I’m calling about the apartment, can we move in right away?”

An Open Letter to Two Sons of Bitches

Dear Oatmeal,

What do you think you're doing? Stick to what you know, don't go getting all cocky and suddenly decide to jump out of your bowl of hot water and force yourself into my cookie. You don't belong there. You belong sitting lowly and ashamed in your little bowl of water, if you're lucky you might even have some cinnamon on top of you but that's all. I know you've been saying for years that that bastard Chocolate doesn't deserve to be the cookie guy but you know what? He does. You don't. You are dry and tasteless and he is vibrant and delicious. Back off. And don't you talk to me about prejudice. We all know that there hasn't been equal rights in the cookie toppings since at least 54'. You suck.

Dear the letter Y,

What's your deal? How long have you been keeping this fucking title of "sometimes"? And actually, if I think about there aren't even that many words that you're the only vowel. The only one I can think of is fry and even you know that that's a stupid word. A hates you y'know? He thinks you're lazy. Even your wife U knows that you're sleeping around with G. She's gonna leave you for E any day now. At least he's ballsy enough to stick around. He's an all-times vowel. You still owe I money and he knows you're not gonna pay it back. He's gonna send his lackeys L and M after you if you don't give him his money by Friday. Y'know O? Your best friend? He thinks you're a huge tool. I don't know if you've checked recently but Z is listed as his top friend on Facebook. Not you. Do us all a favor and go become a consonant. Oh wait... They all hate you there too. You could try joining those dicks, the numbers.

The Wind in the Dead of the Night

Herro my darlingz. You likey some soda? My sunglasses fold in forths, I think thats rice. Do you think they make blue baseballs? Blue turns me on. It gives me good vibrations. GOOD VIBRATIONS! Okay so, this leather needs to be dusted. Wait is it neoprene? I am a size 12 shoe. Are you just saying things without permission? Why yes, I am. You're so naughty! Don't say We Like Sportz, I hate that, but my name is Phillip. The outlets are gonna git you, ahhh! I don't know why they're so scary and serpent-like. No I don't wanna call you when I can! Pokemonz rulez. I'd have to consult my binder in order to choose my fave, but Peeky and Squirty are pretty fucking seck. Seck betch. Whoa, check out Tio Miguel, he's a hawdee with a bawdee. Say that, but with a southern inflection. Y'all. I'm Cho Chang y'all! I STILL have to pee. I like this blue better than this blue, what do you suppose their babies look like? Wood nymphs? What about the nymph story? She gave us one. What was your definition? Well, there are many dif kinds of nymphs. Personally, I'm a nymph in the sky. Reaper Madness! Oooooh yeaaaah! Dragons are like the coolest shit ever. I mean, they breath fire. Hi baby fathead! Aka Mitch. The little fat kid's name is Porky McPorker. Mmm mmm good. This is just words. My name is Phillip! Call me Pattycakes! I wish I had an advent calendar! Chocolate love! Yabba dabba doo! Goodbye!